


It's Been A Year

by tbiris



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 08:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7259359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbiris/pseuds/tbiris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love wasn't as important as work. Between Kaidan's work at the hospital, and Shepard's at the police station, they both felt they were better on their own. Then, they began to question their lives and choices.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Month 6

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first Big Bang ever! It's loosely based off of 51 dates (I think that was the movie... it was a friend that described it to me).
> 
> I got to work with the lovely [Dahlia](http://dahliadrawthings.tumblr.com) and I hope you enjoy everything!

  _Month 6 Day 0_    
   
Shepard leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. It was a slow morning, and oddly, she missed being at her desk. She jolted up when a pile of papers slammed into her desk. She glanced up to see scowl at Ashley.    
“More paperwork?” Shepard groaned. She half paid attention to the papers in front of her as she swiped to silence her phone again. She didn’t miss Ashley’s glance towards it, and only hoped that she wouldn’t ask.   
“How long are you going to put him off?” Ashley raised an eyebrow.   
“I don’t know,” Shepard grumbled. It seemed that her luck for the morning ran out. “It’s different this time.”   
Ashley snorted and crossed her arms. “How?”   
Shepard pushed herself away from her desk, letting her chair spin around. “It’s not just him this time.” She ran a hand through her hair. She grimaced as a few strands escaped her ponytail. She would break that habit someday.   
   
“You were the one that told me that you didn’t want to be stuck.” Ashley uncrossed her arms to lean on Shepard’s desk. “Don’t trap yourself if you think it’s going south. I’d hate to have to do something to him if he is as good as you say.”   
Shepard felt her face crack into a small smile. It felt like forever since she had been able to smile, even though six months ago she had been barely able to keep one off of her face.   
“There,” Ashley nodded. “That’s the partner I signed up with. So?”   
Shepard sighed. “We… it’s our usual coffee date day. I’ll tell him then. Before probably. If he shows up.” She rubbed the back of her neck. Shepard glanced back at Ashley; she had this weird look on her face like her dog died.   
   
“Let me know when you’re free then,” Ashley’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll buy you a drink.”   
“Ash,” Shepard sighed.   
Ashley held up a hand to cut her off. “Just trust me. Drinks after, maybe I’ll even get you that ice cream you like.”   
“You’re blowing this out of proportion,” Shepard complained.   
Wrex lumbered over. “Is she getting rid of her boytoy?” He straightened slightly as he reached her desk.   
“Seriously?” Shepard threw up her arms. When had her love life become the station’s gossip? “Can’t I do my paperwork in peace _without_ all of you hovering?”   
Ashley burst into laughter as Garrus started cursing from across the room.   
“You owe me now, Vakarian!” Ashley crowed.   
   
Shepard dropped her head onto her desk and groaned. She couldn’t believe that they actually made her _want_ to do her paperwork. That was probably what Garrus bet, and lost money on. It was a pretty good bet too. None of them particularly liked paperwork. What she didn’t appreciate, was how they set her up for it. Why did she think she had the best squad again?   
Wrex clapped her on the shoulder. “Good to know your head will be on straight again.”   
Shepard frowned. How had her head not been on straight? Her head was perfectly straight until her boyfriend ditched all their dates for a week.   
“Rose-tinted glasses,” Ashley reminded her and grinned as Garrus made his way over.   
Garrus grumbled and shoved a bill into Ashley’s hand. “You said that he’s a doctor right, Shepard?”   
Shepard lifted her head, brows furrowed. “Yeah, why?”   
Garrus pointed over his shoulder. “That him?”   
They all peered around Garrus and Shepard cringed inwardly.   
“Fuck,” she sighed. He would pick today to be early, and actually arrive at her work. Normally she might have considered that sweet, but not when she was agonizing over her decision.   
Ashley clapped her on the back. “If you don’t confront him about it, you get to do my paperwork for the month.”   
Wrex grunted. “Never thought that I’d see you running away from something so menial.”   
“I don’t poke you about your love life, do I?” Shepard scowled.   
Wrex grinned. “No, but you’re welcome to.” Wrex turned to look at the front desk again. “He doesn’t look too bad, for a doctor.”   
“You want his number so you know a doctor when I shoot you?” Shepard glared. It was just a matter of time before either she or some other bear shot him for his mouth.   
“No, but I’d be willing to take it to get a practice partner. You’re the only challenge around here now in hand-to-hand, he looks like he can throw a punch.” Wrex glanced back at her. “It depends on how this all works out. You deserve the best.”   
“Thanks for the faith,” Shepard sighed. She wondered about that sometimes. It had been a miracle they had even found the time for the few dates they had. She reached down to get her bag. “You’re okay covering for me?”   
Ashley grinned and pulled Shepard’s paperwork from her desk. “Drinks, don’t forget. I’ll even bring the rest of the squad if you want.” She waved Garrus’ bill around. “Garrus will cover it.”   
“Not fair,” Garrus grumbled.   
   
Shepard rolled her eyes at them and made her way to the front. Her heart began to hammer inside her chest.   
“Kaidan,” she greeted. She forced a small smile onto her face. How did that use to come onto her face so easily when she saw him?   
“Hey.” Kaidan’s eyes flicked around the office, staying on a few faces. His mouth was tight and his hands were in his pockets, unusual for him. Shepard just _knew_ that Wrex was glowering at him. Then again, Wrex glowered at everyone when he first met them.   
   
Shepard cleared her throat lightly. “I thought we were meeting at the coffee shop?” If he showed up this time, she added in her head.   
Kaidan shrugged, his eyes kept flicking to Wrex warily. “Surprise? I was a little curious about your coworkers.” He was lying, at least a little bit. Shepard’s stomach churned with disappointment.   
“Because I met some of yours?” Shepard raised an eyebrow.   
Kaidan smiled slightly. “Partially.” Shepard waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t say anything else. He still wasn’t talking to her properly, and her decision clicked into place. She couldn’t deal with his inability to communicate, especially since he only worked two blocks away. They both knew their jobs came first, and it wasn’t working anymore.   
   
“So, coffee then?” Kaidan raised an eyebrow.   
Shepard felt a familiar smile cross her face. “Fine. I still think it’s bitter as hell, but you can try to convince me otherwise.” She might as well take a flying leap off the cliff now.   
“If you hurt her, I’ll shoot your kneecaps off!” Garrus called. Shepard wanted to drop her head into her hands, but Garrus _did_ say he was saving up some things for when he met her boyfriend.   
She rolled her eyes at him as she walked around the desk to stand beside Kaidan.    
“Try it and I’ll shoot you,” she threatened. Wrex and Ashley’s laughter followed her out of the door.   
   
Kaidan’s hand slipped into hers, just like always. She glanced over at him and stared when she saw his smile. That was the smile she fell for, and it made what she wanted to say that much harder now. “They’re a good bunch.” Kaidan’s voice knocked her out of her thoughts.   
“Yeah,” she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “We’re a little family.” The statement made her feel a little guilty about her own family situation, but she was far more comfortable with them than she had been with her dad. She used to feel the same around Kaidan. Now… she only felt disappointment settling in her.   
   
They continued along the sidewalk in silence. The old comfort she used to feel around him was settling back in as they continued. But that was the problem; he hadn’t kept a plan for a long time. She steeled her nerves and stopped, tugging Kaidan’s hand. He turned to face her.   
“Kaidan,” she started. She bit her lip and looked at her feet. How was this so hard?   
Kaidan squeezed her hand lightly.   
“It’s okay.” His voice wavered. “We can talk about it over coffee. I owe you at least that much.” Shepard looked up quickly, meeting his honey eyes. She wondered if she was imagining the darkness to them or if she was imposing her own feelings into what she was seeing. She let out a breath and let her hand drop from his. The comfortable and almost homey feeling was gone now. The remaining walk to the shop felt much longer than it was, with the silence stretching awkwardly between them.   
   
The baristas were just as cheerful as always. Shepard barely paid any attention to Kaidan’s conversation with them. He came here more often than she did, and he liked to chat with everyone. She looked around. It was almost pleasantly empty this time and she could hear some soft jazz playing in the background for the first time. She liked it. It was so much nicer than when they normally came, and she said as much.   
   
Kaidan let out a soft laugh as he handed her a porcelain cup. She glanced at it and back at him before raising an eyebrow. She couldn’t quite tell what the drink was under all the whipped cream and chocolate shavings. He sighed and continued to hold it out until she grabbed it with a small huff. They were actually able to get a table with the fancy armchairs instead of the stiff wooden ones at the counters.   
   
She glanced at the cup again and back to him.   
“Just try it,” he insisted, bringing his own cup up to his mouth.   
She sighed and took a sip. Her first impression was that it was beyond bitter, but the cool sweetness of the whipped cream and something else soothed it away. She shuddered slightly and eyed it, only pausing to lick the whipped cream off her lip and took another careful sip.   
   
She glanced up at Kaidan and scowled at his smiling eyes. He hid his face behind his cup, lowering it to show his own milk moustache decorating a small smirk.   
Shepard rolled her eyes at him. “Are you _laughing_ at me, Alenko?”   
“I did tell you that I’d find some type of coffee drink you’d like.”   
Shepard bit back a sigh. He was right too. She could taste the caffeine, but it was balanced and left a bittersweet taste on her tongue. It seemed oddly appropriate given what she wanted to say.   
“Fine,” she grumbled. “What is it?” For someone that was such a flake about keeping dates, he certainly knew his coffee. Or maybe he just knew her, and her love of hot chocolate.   
“Mocha. It’s hot chocolate and espresso.” Kaidan’s face was slightly red while he drank his own frothy coffee.   
   
She glanced down at the cup and trailed a finger around the rim. She had gotten the hot chocolate here only a few times, and only told him once that she loved it. It was making her decision just that much harder.   
“Kaidan…”   
“I know,” he murmured. He set down his cup. “This… us. It’s not…”   
Shepard felt a wry smile cross her face. “Working? No.” She glanced at him. “Work is probably the issue.”   
“The cons of being a workaholic.”   
Shepard knew he was faking the smile. She never thought she would see it directed at her.   
“On both ends,” she admitted quietly. It took two to keep a relationship going, and they had both let the ball drop, several times. She traced the edge of her cup. She probably hadn’t dealt with it well, but the distance didn’t really help either.   
   
They drank in silence. Shepard found it oddly normal. There was no dramatics, she almost expected them, given Ashley’s offer. It felt almost pleasant to finish their drinks in relative silence and say goodbye. They left in opposite directions, with only a promise to wait and see if a friendship could be recovered when they had time to think.   
   
Everything would be fine.   
   
 _Month 6 Day 7_    
   
Kaidan sighed as he stared at his condo. He worked far too much lately. The alternative was that he just forgot to clean the last time Shepard was over. A small pang of regret went through him at the thought of her, but he brushed it away. Joker insisted that Kaidan should contact him if he needed _anything_. He had implied that the breakup should have been hard, but it was surprisingly civil. Even Tali was surprised when he had told her it was a mutual breakup.   
   
Since then, she and Joker would whisper behind his back. The two of them were a bit ridiculous at times, but that was probably why the kids loved them. Kaidan smiled when he thought of his patients, his kids, and started to pick up some of the food containers.   
   
It was odd that he had so many lying around. While he was with Shepard, it seemed like at least one of them was always cooking. Did it always feel weird when he cleaned up his takeout containers before? His smile slipped slightly and he shoved the containers into a garbage bag.   
   
He was _fine,_ dammit. He ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh. He and Shepard were too busy with work to continue their relationship. It was normal that something would have to give, and it wasn’t going to be their work. He had the kids, and Shepard was out trying to save the city, one criminal at a time. Shepard would be getting busier now too, her detective exam was coming up if he recalled correctly.   
   
He frowned as he began tossing clothes into his hamper. He should have wished her luck at the coffee shop. It seemed that the universe was agreeing with that thought when he picked up a familiar sweater. _99 problems and you’re one of them_. He paused and looked at it again. That was the sweater that he bought Shepard for her birthday. He let out a laugh when he remembered her face when she opened it.   
   
 _“Are you calling me a problem?” her eyes narrowed and a smile played around her lips.  
He felt a small thrill run through him. “Maybe I’m saying I’m **your** _    
   
Kaidan threw the sweater across the room. He certainly _became_ her problem. She also became his problem. It was hard to agree with her about the breakup when having her close to him only reminded him about what _worked_ with them. It made the last month seem like nothing.   
   
He flopped onto the couch and huffed. He should just gather up everything she left at his place into a box to leave at the station. If she was there. If she wasn’t, he could just leave her things at her desk… He could feel a migraine starting to edge around his head as he ran through scenarios to determine what would be less embarrassing. It was ridiculous. He got up to put on the kettle; hopefully, coffee would hold his migraine at bay. The last thing he wanted was to get a full migraine on his first day off after breaking up with Shepard. It felt like forever since he had a bad one.   
   
The pain began to settle behind his eye and he groaned. This was going to be fast, and bad. He was fairly certain that the last time he had one this bad was when he started dating Shepard and kept second guessing himself. He groaned and rested his head on his hands. His attempt to not to think about Shepard was failing spectacularly.   
   
He stared at the kettle, trying to remember what he had been doing. Right, coffee; he still needed to grind the beans. Once he began to slowly move in the right direction, the motions were automatic. The coffee, however, only slowed the spread of pain through his head. He sighed and winced as he went through his medicine cabinet. He took one of his pills and stared across to where he threw Shepard’s sweater.   
   
He would deal with it later. He would deal with all of it later. Right now, all he wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep. It was going to be a shitty weekend.   



	2. Month 0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First meetings

  _Month 0 Day 0_    
   
Shepard crossed her arms. “No.”   
“Come on, Skipper,” Ashley rolled her eyes. “It’s not that bad.”   
“I don’t see why I need to go with you for a coffee run _when I don’t drink coffee._ ” Shepard shivered at old memories. She was fairly certain that she still had the smell of grounds engrained in her nose.   
Ashley tugged lightly on her arms. “I need an extra hand for the boys,” she pleaded. “Well, okay I need you to keep Garrus’ separate because he grabbed the wrong one last time.”   
   
Shepard snorted. Garrus was allergic to almost every modern food, or it felt like it. “Is that why he was out for a week?”   
“Yup. Look, I’ll buy you a tea? Just… stop Garrus from being Garrus?”   
Shepard rolled her eyes and smiled slightly. She could hardly say no to protecting her friend from himself. “Fine.”   
Ashley let out a huge smile and gestured Shepard through the door.   
   
The first thing Shepard noticed was that it was _loud_. The second thing was that there was a line up almost to the door.   
“You can just wait by the counter there,” Ashley waved to a second, shorter line. “Jasmine?”   
“Fine,” Shepard grumbled. She left Ashley in the line and leaned on the counter, away from the second line.   
   
She liked to watch the people outside. It was a Saturday and there had been a break in the cold weather, so the sidewalks teemed with people. It was hard to believe there was a blizzard just the week before, and that another was due by the end of tomorrow. She expected that the station would be quite busy during the storm due to the road hazards. She grimaced. Her group would probably be on traffic duty. She hated it, but until she got a promotion that was her job. She let out a sigh and glanced back towards the line. Ashley was finally at the front. How long could it possibly take them to make tea? She huffed as she watched a cup get set down beside her. Ashley started heading over, so that was probably hers.   
   
She reached out and smacked right into someone else’s arm, just as the barista called ‘Kaidan’. She felt her face warm and just hoped that her blush wasn’t visible. ‘Kaidan’ seemed to take her mistake in stride, giving her a small smile.   
“Sorry,” she mumbled. Ashley was laughing at her, she just knew it. She could pick apart a person on the street, but not concentrate enough on her immediate surroundings to know that they would call out _names_ when orders were done.   
“No worries,” His eyes dropped to her label. “Shepard. First time here?”   
“First time in a coffee store in the last five or so years,” she muttered and glanced towards the wall. It really was a nice wall. The paneling made the place feel welcoming, or it would if it wasn’t packed to the gills.   
   
“Really?” he asked.   
“She _hates coffee,” Ashley commented. It seemed like she recovered from her silent laughing fit.  
“Blasphemy,” Kaidan murmured.   
Shepard glance_d over at him, that small smile still played around his lips.   
She shrugged. “I don’t like the taste.”   
His eyes softened and he nodded. “I can respect that. My line of work, it’s almost a necessity.”   
   
Shepard glanced at his scrubs. Her bet was that he worked at the hospital two blocks away, confirmed when she saw his ID badge clipped to his pocket.   
“Ashley,” the barista called. Shepard ignored it. Ashley would let her know which one was Garrus’.   
   
She took in the man in front of her. His appearance was tidy, with a hint of exhaustion in his eyes. He smiled or laughed a lot judging from the lines on his face. His hair was normally unruly, or he was just overly concerned with his appearance. Given his current disposition, she would bet unruly over vain, though. His hair wasn’t caked with gel, suggesting the sheen was from one of the powerful gels. He sported a pager on his hip and an oddly alluring confidence.   
“Doctor?” she guessed.   
His smile grew slightly and dipped his head. “Pediatrics,” he confirmed.   
“I’m surprised you’re not wearing any stickers or paint,” she joked.   
   
Ashley groaned and shoved a drink at Shepard. “That’s Garrus’. I have your tea, only Wrex’s left.”   
Shepard nodded.   
“They’re in my pocket,” Kaidan murmured.   
“Sorry?”   
“Stickers. They’re in my pocket,” Kaidan smiled.   
Shepard laughed. His explanation was cute, but she doubted he actually had stickers on him.   
“Okay, let’s go,” Ashley grumbled.   
Shepard raised an eyebrow at Ashley’s sudden drop in mood.   
   
“Nice meeting you, Kaidan.” Shepard nodded and turned to leave.   
She started when he grabbed her wrist for a moment, sticking something to the back of her hand.   
“Can’t have you doubting me,” he grinned. “Maybe I’ll see you again. Introduce you to some good coffee?”   
Shepard laughed at the thought of her and coffee. She glanced at the back of her hand as she turned to the door. There was a rainbow unicorn sticker on it. She couldn’t stop the childish smile from crossing her face. She turned to face Kaidan. “We’ll see if I get dragged on any more coffee runs.”   
   
He dipped his head slightly and turned back towards the counter and started chatting with one of the baristas. Shepard turned back around and followed Ashley out. She doubted that she would run into him again.   
Ashley was almost pushing through pedestrians on her way back to the station.   
“What’s wrong?” Shepard tried to keep close to her. Ashley may not be a morning person, but this was odd for her, especially since Ashley _had_ a coffee already this morning.   
“You hate coffee,” Ashley grumbled.   
Shepard squeezed to walk beside her, glancing over at her face. “And?”   
Ashley sighed and slowed down a little. “I never thought I’d hear you flirting.”   
“I wasn’t flir—”   
“Then I can have the sticker?” Ashley reached towards her hand. Shepard automatically slapped it away, and almost ran into a few pedestrians in her haste to increase the distance between her and Ashley. She glowered from the other side of the sidewalk. Ashley shot her a triumphant grin.   
“Fine,” Shepard groaned. She held the door for the station open for Ashley, snagging her tea from the carton as she passed by.   
“So, are you going to go back?” Ashley glanced back at her.   
Shepard followed her into the station. “Why?”   
Ashley gave a hopeless sigh as she handed Wrex his gigantic coffee.   
   
“Is that a unicorn?” Wrex raised his eyebrows at Shepard. His eyes flitted between her face and her hand, reaching out towards her hand.   
“Leave it alone!” Shepard moved her hand back quickly, coffee sloshing in its cup.   
“My coffee!” Garrus snatched it out of her hand, nursing it carefully.   
“Shepard met a _boy_ ,” Ashley teased.   
Shepard rolled her eyes. “Ash.”   
“Did he manage to change her mind about coffee?” Garrus laughed.   
Shepard snorted. “Not on your life, Vakarian.”   
   
“A boy? Anything I should know?” Wrex scowled, leaning forward. His mass made him frightening to most people. Their team knew he was just a puppy dog inside after you got past the pushy asshole. The proof being that he just tried to steal _her_ unicorn.   
“He’s a doctor at the hospital,” Shepard shrugged. “Works in pediatrics and likes coffee. That’s it.”   
“You could visit him, it’s not far,” Garrus commented.   
   
Shepard rolled her eyes and sipped her tea. “It doesn’t matter. Nothing’s going to come of it.” She could dream, though. She placed the unicorn on the edge of her computer monitor. Maybe she would do the next coffee run or check what food the place had. There was a mini-fridge by the cash registers. She shook her head. It was ridiculous to think about it. It was extremely unlikely she would see him again even if she did.   
   
 _Month 0 Day 5_    
   
Kaidan pressed two fingers to his temples. He wished the weather would just make up its mind already. The constant change from hot to cold and vice versa was playing havoc with his head. He already had three coffees to try and hold a building migraine at bay. Now he was craving something stronger, or at least not as shitty as the coffee at the hospital. He blinked as he opened the door to his usual shop. It was slightly busy, as always around the late morning. But something was familiar about the woman that was scanning the sandwiches. She wasn’t a regular like Karen in the corner, though. He knew most of the regular morning crowd by sight. He pushed the question out of his mind and glanced behind the counter.   
He let out a sigh. He came here partially for the coffee, but also because he hoped to see James. James’ humour and attitude always made him feel better or distracted him just enough. Perhaps that was just the fluttering in his chest, though, or that James made him relax enough so that tension headaches faded away.   
   
He stared at the woman in front of the sandwiches again. He wasn’t sure how long she had been staring at them and couldn’t shake the feeling that he knew her somehow. He decided to suggest some of the sandwiches, and perhaps he’d have a hint of how they knew each other then. He started talking and the moment she turned around he paused. He recognized her now. He never realised just how different an officer could look out of uniform, and her hair down. Yet he just couldn’t quite remember her name.   
   
She quirked a smile at him. “If I’d rather…?”   
He rubbed the back of his neck and turned back to the sandwiches. “If you’d rather a hot sandwich I’d suggest grabbing one of the vegetarian ones. My friend swears by them.”   
Her smile grew slightly. “What? No coffee recommendations?” she teased. “I half-expected you to tell me to get some ridiculous order.”   
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Kaidan assured her. “Coffee is best simple. The less that’s added, the better its own flavour can seep into your mouth.”   
   
She looked a little cute, scrunching her nose like that.   
He couldn’t help but laugh. “You dislike it that much?”   
“My mom used to work at a crappy coffee shop, trying to keep me fed. The smell started making me feel sick after a few years.”   
He couldn’t blame her for that. He loved walking into the good shops, but the bad ones made him want to gag every now and then.   
“Tea, by all means then,” he agreed.   
“Egg sandwich, right?” she glanced up at him. There wasn’t much of a height difference, just enough that she had to glance up to meet his eyes. He nodded and watched her pick one up.   
“What are you having?” She turned to face him.   
He held up his hands to protest. There was no reason that she should actually go and buy him a coffee.   
   
She placed a hand on her hip and scowled. He tried to suppress a smile. She was the mirror image of Tali when the children were misbehaving, or when parents were being idiots. Well, the parents that would argue that they were doing the best for their children when their actions landed the kids in the hospital. Kaidan cut off his inner rambling with a silent curse as she stared him down.   
“Okay,” he gave in. “But then I’m getting your tea next time.” The offer fell out of his mouth before he realised what he was saying.   
   
Her eyebrow kicked up and she seemed to be taking him in under a microscope; taking him apart bit by bit. He felt the same way last time she looked at him before asking if he was a doctor. He suspected she knew a lot more than that, but kept it to herself.   
“Are you going to make a habit of this?” she questioned.   
He shrugged. He could almost see the interrogation room around him. “I could give you a sticker instead.” He kept a sheet in his pocket most of the time. She seemed to enjoy the one the last time as well.   
   
A bright smile crossed her face, one that he couldn’t help but reciprocate.   
She relaxed, her arm falling back to her side. “You have a deal. Sticker, and you don’t have to get me a tea.”   
He stared at her for a moment longer and shook his head slightly. “I don’t believe you,” he laughed.   
She shrugged and slid over to the cash register, glancing over her shoulder at him.   
“Large black,” he offered.   
“A large jasmine, and the sandwich,” she added.   
“Name?” The barista twirled her pen.   
“Shepard.”   
Kaidan tried to fix the name into his memory while the barista listed the price. He was fairly certain that was the same name that had been on her lapel, now that he heard the name again. He was fairly certain that those displayed only the last name. He stared at her. He remembered when she was first here that she wasn’t aware of the typical process.   
“You can use your first name as well,” he suggested.   
   
Shepard snorted at him while she fished in her wallet for a bill. “I only use my first name for official paperwork, taxes only.”   
He opened his mouth to ask why until he saw the twist to her mouth, and how she set her weight further back. He let the question die on his tongue.   
“Alenko,” he offered. “My last name,” he elaborated when her brows drew together.   
She stared at him for a moment before bursting out into laughter. “Pleasure to meet you.”   
   
A shiver crawled through his spine as her eyes wandered over him again. But it wasn’t as hard of a glance as before. Her gaze seemed almost softer, friendly.   
“Kaidan,” the barista interrupted. “Your coffee?”   
He had a significant lack of grace when he went to grab it, almost dropping it onto all three of them. He was almost certain that the back of his neck was red now.   
“Thanks,” he paused to glance to where her nametag would normally be.   
“Liara,” the barista offered with a smile. “James is home sick today. Something about the weather.” She winked at him before placing a second cup on the counter. “Shepard?”   
   
He didn’t think that his little crush was that obvious.   
Shepard reached out for her drink, with far more grace than he had right now.   
“Keep this one out of trouble,” Liara advised, glancing at Kaidan with a smile.   
“That’s what I try to do,” Shepard quipped. “Keep people out of trouble.”   
Kaidan was quite certain his entire face was some shade of red right now.   
Liara grinned. “I hope you enjoy!”   
Kaidan felt like every eye in the store was on him now, and Shepard had to shepherd him out of the door. He was a little glad, he wasn’t entirely sure that he would manage to not trip over his own feet.   
“Thanks,” he mumbled, staring at the sidewalk, following her blindly.   
“No problem, you’re a regular there aren’t you?”   
“Maybe,” he admitted. He knew a few of the faces in the store.   
“Why? Doesn’t the hospital have coffee? And a cafeteria?”   
   
Kaidan shuddered. “Don’t ever call that monstrosity coffee. It’s emergency use coffee only.”   
He could hear the smile in Shepard’s voice. “You’re a coffee snob, aren’t you?”   
Kaidan sighed and looked up at her. He had grown up with good coffee, his parents would let him take small sips in the morning. He could drink shitty coffee, but whenever he wanted to feel better, or just feel more at home he would go to the coffee shop. Besides, James was enjoyable to be around and could turn any crappy day into a better one.   
“I like good coffee,” he started. “I need to remind myself what it tastes like every now and then.”   
“That bad?” Shepard seemed curious, and he realised that she was walking with him towards the hospital.   
“You can check if you want. The break room coffee’s the best there but…” No one really knew how to brew it well.   
   
Shepard came to a stop and fiddled with her tea bag. “Maybe some other time…”   
“Of course,” Kaidan turned to face her and smiled slightly. “You know how to ask for me now. Just say you’re a friend and the reception will point you in the right direction.”   
“Okay,” Shepard mumbled, still staring at her cup.   
   
Something was wrong, but he wasn’t sure what. He fiddled in his pocket, pulling out his sticker sheet for the day. He carefully placed a glittery alien head on the top of her cup. She stared at it before looking up at him.   
“I’ll see you again, Shepard,” he smiled slightly. “Try to have a good day?”   
She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and smiled slightly, glancing at the sticker. “Okay.”   
“I’m normally at the coffee shop around eleven, okay?”   
“Okay, I’ll see you around.” Her face had a small tinge to it before she turned and started walking in the opposite direction.   
   
He supposed that she was just making sure that he actually ended up going towards his work. He let out a small laugh. She was interesting, and he would probably see her again in the future. Today was going to be a good day; as soon as his headache went away.


	3. Month 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old haunts

_Month 6 Day 14_    
   
Shepard hated that she was here. The first day, no, the first week without Kaidan was almost perfect. She felt like she could breathe again. She didn’t have relationship anxiety clawing at her with every other step. The only problem was that their breakup date left her with an odd craving for a mocha. Which led to her peering through the coffee shop window to make sure Kaidan wasn’t there.   
   
She didn’t even know _why_ she wanted to avoid him, except that he just made her feel too comfortable. He blew her concentration to high hell, and it was fun for a while. Thankfully, it wouldn’t happen today as the shop was Kaidan-free. She let out a sigh of relief as she opened the door.   
   
James and Liara shot her a smile. She came a little earlier than her normal break, all so that she could miss Kaidan. Or did she just hope that she could see him again, even from a distance? She hated how she was questioning herself. Her mouth twisted into a scowl. Maybe it was time to take up Ashley’s offer of a drink.   
   
After the breakup, Ashley didn’t believe her when she said that it was a mutual breakup and that neither of them wanted to deal with the distance and timing issues.   
“Hey chica,” James greeted. “No boytoy today?”   
“We broke up, James. Can you tell me what was in that mocha? Ashley tried to pick up one for me but…” Shepard grimaced. The bitterness was overwhelming and she had to throw it out.   
“What?” Liara slid over, eyes wide.   
“We’re busy, Liara, I’ll tell you later!” James ordered. Liara sighed, rolling her eyes and went back to the machine.   
   
“We were having trouble coordinating work,” Shepard shrugged.   
James leaned slightly forward, typing something into the computer. “This wasn’t the last time you were here was it?”   
“Yeah, why?” Shepard frowned.   
James shook his head slightly and glanced out at the window for a moment, before looking back at her. “He hasn’t come in since then either.”   
   
Shepard’s heart fell. She didn’t know why she felt sad at that; maybe Kaidan just found a better place. If so, she could start coming here more often.   
“Well, maybe that means you’ll see more of me again then.”   
James nodded, a sad smile crossing his face.   
“Tell your girl to let us know it’s for you. We’ll make it right.”   
Shepard frowned slightly.   
“Special recipe. Kaidan had us make it for you.”   
   
There was that falling feeling in her chest again. “Okay,” she whispered and fished out her wallet. James just stuffed it all into the tip jar. Shepard frowned slightly.   
“Let’s call it my bet that you two won’t be able to keep from each other okay? Sound good Liara?”   
Liara replied in the affirmative.   
Shepard huffed and shook her head before leaving the line to wait for her coffee. Did everyone think that the two of them were idiots? Sometimes it felt like they were the only two rational beings. She sighed, only half paying attention to the names being called out moving along with the second line.   
   
She glanced out the window, more out of habit than anything. She didn’t feel up to analyzing; the people were just people.   
“Shepard?” Liara called tentatively. Shepard turned her head to face Liara and grab her cup. Liara grasped her wrist lightly. Shepard frowned, looking up at the other woman.   
“In case you need to talk.” A card was slipped into her hand. She heard someone groan behind her, whispers of ‘I bet it’s her phone number.’ And ‘I’m not jumping a cop for that.’   
“I’m fine, Liara,” Shepard insisted.   
Liara just smiled knowingly before going back to the machine. Shepard shook her head. She would definitely have to take up Ashley’s offer now.   
   
The mocha made her feel better on her walk back. Ashley smiled and noted that her offer was still open made Shepard feel more normal. Wrex managed to shove his way into the plan, making her laugh, and forget that anything had even felt wrong earlier in the day.   
   
The feeling lasted until they were all sitting with drinks at a pub. Wrex insisted that he was hungry, and if Ashley was buying the first round that he would pay for the meals. They agreed to the arrangement, as long as Shepard paid for the second round. It was a good deal, especially given how much Wrex tended to eat, and everyone else tended to just pick at a few dishes. Garrus joined in when he heard they were going to the new place, although he probably would have come anyways. He had some mocktail in front of him. Shepard stared at it. She had no idea how they managed to get it looking so blood red.   
   
“Get your own!” Garrus laughed.   
“How do they make that?” Shepard shook her head. “That red is beyond unnatural.”   
Wrex laughed. “Garrus only drinks the blood of his enemies.”   
“Are you sure that isn’t just you?” Ashley grinned and snagged another nacho.   
Shepard took a good swallow of her beer and smiled. It had been too long since they had done this.   
   
“I’m wondering why Shepard didn’t drink her boytoy’s blood for breakfast,” Wrex grumbled.   
Shepard choked. “What?”   
Wrex leaned forward, his eyes fierce. “No one hurts you. Not while I’m around.”   
“It was mutual!” Shepard crammed some garlic bread into her mouth.   
“Doesn’t mutual just mean you both fucked up?” Garrus glanced around.   
Ashley shrugged. “Sometimes. It can also just be you didn’t realise you were right for each other. But for Shepard and Kaidan… yeah, they both fucked up.”   
Shepard looked at her. Was Ashley seriously saying that?   
   
Wrex grunted. “If he didn’t want to fight for her, then he didn’t deserve her either.”   
Shepard dropped her head into her hands. Why did she think that this was a good idea again?   
   
“Look, Shep… if you really wanted to break up with him… and were fine with it, would we be here? You haven’t even tossed out those stickers he gave you.” Ashley’s voice was a gentle caress. Yet it stabbed Shepard fiercely.   
Garrus took one of the pickles, one of the few foods here he could eat when they went out. “Isn’t there that saying? It’s not over until the fat lady sings?”   
Wrex and Ashley doubled over with laughter. Shepard just drained her glass. She wasn’t anywhere near tipsy enough to be having this conversation with her team.   
“I just need time,” she insisted. The three of them looked at her like they knew something she didn’t. She only needed time to get used to being alone again, to not seeing Kaidan regularly. Then, she would be perfectly fine.   
   
 _Month 6 Day 20_    
   
“You look like shit.”   
Kaidan turned to see Joker wheeling towards him.   
“Migraine again?” Joker slowed to move at Kaidan’s pace. On their more childish days, they’d race down the hall for the kids, or Joker would race a few of them to help them get used to the wheelchairs.   
“Migraine,” he confirmed.   
“And you said that you were better off without her,” Joker scoffed. “First weekend off and already it would have been better if you were still together. Having someone to make you soup, bring you water…”   
“She never did any of that,” Kaidan protested.   
Joker rolled his eyes. “You never _saw_ her doing any of that. You know that your last one she was texting us in a panic? She wanted to make sure that you were alright.”   
Kaidan felt his stomach sink a little. She hadn’t told him about any of that when he apologised for ruining their date. Instead, she scolded him, quietly, that his health was important and he should be taking better care of himself.   
   
He smiled slightly at the memory. He thought that she had prior experience with headaches or migraines. She had turned off all the lights in the condo, and he had woken up with his head in her lap, with a soft reading light on and a book. The moment she saw his eyes open, she had turned it off.   
   
“Uh, Alenko?”   
“Yes?” Kaidan snapped out of the memory.   
“Just checking you were awake. You sure you don’t need coffee? Go take a break.”   
Kaidan checked his watch and glared at Joker. “It’s early.”   
“Hey, you’re zoning already. Usually, that means you need a _good_ coffee. Go. Now. Administrator orders.”   
Kaidan sighed, there was no arguing with Joker when he got like that.   
“Yes, sir.”   
He turned towards the locker room. At the very least he needed to take off the lab coat and the name tag that was plastered in stickers. He clipped it back on and heard voices just outside. Usually, the locker room was loud and busy, but it was oddly quiet so that he could hear the familiar voices.   
“How is he?” Tali asked.   
“Weird,” Joker commented. “He had a migraine. He didn’t know that Shepard took care of him last time.”   
“What did you tell him?”   
“Just that she was frantically talking to us.”   
“Did you ask him about…”   
“No, no… I think we should give them more time. They might fix it on their own. Come on, let’s see how Abdul’s doing, before Kaidan goes out and catches us.”   
   
Kaidan rested his head against the locker. He wondered if Shepard’s friends were just as much up in her business. His friends talking about her certainly wasn’t making any of this easier. He took in a deep breath to calm himself down. Perhaps Joker was right. A walk down to the coffee shop would do him some good. It was early enough that he might be able to grab a seat as well, maybe talk to James.   
   
It had been a long time since he had talked to James, or at least it felt like it. He pulled out his phone to check his calendar. It had been almost a month since he had gone to the coffee shop. Kaidan frowned. Had he been avoiding Shepard that long?   
   
It was almost no surprise that he had a migraine then. The coffee here was too weak to hold one back for long, and this had been building for a while. He hated when Joker was right. He sighed and grabbed his wallet, sliding it beside the stickers. He caressed the sheet for a moment, remembering Shepard’s delighted look whenever she got a new one. She asked for one almost every time he saw her, except for the day they broke up.   
   
He frowned as he started going down the stairs. He still hadn’t done anything with the small items she left at his place. He could ask James what proper protocol would be for that. Or at least he would listen, and Kaidan could come to his own conclusion and feel like an idiot later.   
   
He barely paid attention as he walked to the shop, but paused for a moment outside the window. His heart gave a small lurch. Shepard was inside talking to James, laughing with him. He felt lost. He started going to the shop regularly because he found James attractive. Watching the two of them together like that had his stomach churning unpleasantly.   
   
It was hard to believe that at the beginning of the year, they were together. That they were started to learn more about each other only six months ago. He met her again with her mother, on the other half of the hospital he worked in. He thought that knowing the two of them were so similar hurt, yet the same things just drew them together. In the end, it had also driven them apart.   
   
He let out a sigh, he didn’t really feel like coffee anymore or talking to James. He would go later in the day when he actually needed the coffee. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, see Shepard right now. Not when he still felt too raw, in too much pain to be thinking straight. Damn, he really hated when Joker was right. He walked a block further, barely noticing that he ordered a jasmine tea before he sat down and rested his head back against the wall.   
   
How could he still love her so much? How could just _seeing_ her through a window throw all his progress out of the window and strike him with so much longing? He glanced over at the street. He developed the habit after watching Shepard, always wondering what she always saw when she looked out at the people going by.   
   
It would be a long time before he was anywhere near alright.


	4. Month 0/1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit and first dates

  _Month 0 Day 21_    
   
Shepard sighed as she closed the door behind her, she would have forgotten to fill up the stupid watering can before coming to the hospital. She couldn’t stop the small smile from crossing her face, though. It felt good to see her mom smile like that, even when she couldn’t walk yet.   
   
She hummed to herself while walking to the washroom. Hopefully, the plants would be fine with tap water. It didn’t take too long for her to fill it up and head back. She smiled when she heard her mom laugh.   
“You should tell her that.” Shepard could hear her mom’s smile. “My Esperanza just goes full throttle at everything, and only realises later that she may have missed something.”   
“I’m sure she was just happy to see you.”   
Shepard froze. She knew that voice. She opened the door slowly and saw Kaidan looking at the unknown plant she brought in earlier.   
   
At least he looked just as surprised.   
“Esperanza!” her mom smiled. “This is—”   
“Dr. Alenko,” Shepard finished. “We uh…”   
“We met.” Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. Shepard was beginning to think that was his nervous tick.   
“At a coffee shop,” Shepard admitted.   
“Coffee? You?” her mom looked back and forth between them. “Esperanza…”   
“Ashley brought me there the first time,” Shepard muttered. She was a little embarrassed to admit she went the following week on a bet, which she lost on purpose. “She wanted to keep Garrus’ coffee separate because he always grabs the wrong one.”   
Kaidan coughed, Shepard suspected to hide a laugh.   
“Really? Garrus?” her mom frowned.   
Shepard nodded. “I think that he and Wrex are partners, just because Garrus is unlucky enough that he always gets shot at, but Wrex is a large enough target that he can cover Garrus.”   
   
Kaidan was definitely hiding his laughs with a cough. Barely. Shepard rolled her eyes at him.   
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she looked between them both.   
Shepard shrugged. “Didn’t know he was your doctor.”   
“I’m not, Dr. Lawson just wanted my advice about the plants so they’d stop dying, and I didn’t realise that Esperanza was Shepard.”   
Shepard had to give him points for not smiling or poking fun at that.   
“What?” Her mom stared at her. “Are you still doing that?”   
Shepard scuffed her shoe against the floor, holding her hands behind her back. “Maybe.”   
Her mom sighed and gestured her over. Shepard put down the watering can and went to let her mom hug her. She let her head rest on her mom’s shoulder.   
“You’ll be fine, Little Shepard.” Her mom let her go with a smile. “You make me so proud. Now, how about you let Dr. Alenko teach you some things about plants?”   
Shepard groaned. She recognized the look in her mom’s eyes.   
“We can head back towards pediatrics if you want,” Kaidan offered quietly.   
Shepard winced and counted quickly to three before her mom’s eyes lit up.   
“You’re good with children?”   
“I uh—” Kaidan raised his hand to the back of his neck. Definitely a nervous tick.   
“Wow, mom, Kaidan and I need to get back to work now so.” She tipped her head towards the door. “We should go.”   
Her face fell slightly but she nodded. “I’ll see you next month!”   
   
Shepard grabbed Kaidan’s arm and made a hasty retreat.   
“So…” Kaidan started when she let go of his arm.   
Shepard winced and waited for it.   
“Little Shepard?”   
She stared at him. That was definitely not the question that she was expecting. She thought he would ask about her first name.   
She glanced towards the floor. “It’s what my dad would call me.”   
Kaidan looked at her thoughtfully. “I see. If her stories were true, I’m not that surprised.”   
Her head snapped to look at him. Every time she turned around, he would surprise her.   
“Are you always that thoughtful?”   
“Are you always that observant?” he shot back.   
   
He stopped and sighed. “That… wasn’t what I wanted to ask you.”   
“Oh? What? Is it the kid comment?”   
“No, she covered that before,” Kaidan mumbled.   
Shepard dropped her head into her hands. “I… I am so sorry.”   
“No, Shepard… look…” Kaidan sighed and glanced at the wall. “Do you want to have lunch with me?”   
Shepard stared at him. She had to be reading this wrong.   
“Are you…?”   
“Asking you on a date? Maybe. I…just… I would feel better learning more about you, from you, instead of from your mother.”   
   
Shepard stared at him. He really was too thoughtful. He also looked really cute when he was embarrassed like that. She also wanted to find out what embarrassing stories her mom told him. She shuddered, she couldn’t help but hear Wrex and Garrus in her head.   
“I don’t want a boytoy?”   
“Pardon?” Kaidan tilted his head.   
Shepard closed her eyes. “I didn’t mean to say that.” If the world would explode, now would be a perfect time.   
“Shepard, let me buy you lunch? The cafeteria is shitty, but there are a few hidden gems.”   
Shepard opened her eyes and a smile twitched at her lips. “Is one of them coffee?”   
   
Kaidan’s eyes closed and his lips tightened. She let out a laugh, causing him to let out an explosive breath.   
“You are…”   
“Mean?” Shepard prompted with a grin.   
“Frustrating,” Kaidan corrected with a smile of his own.   
“Do I get a sticker if I say yes?” She loved her growing collection, and she figured it was only a matter of time before Wrex actually stole one of them.   
   
Kaidan laughed. “Sure. Lunch, and a sticker. I’ll buy, just so you can forgive me for the taste.”   
Shepard rolled her eyes. Sure, she had heard things about hospital food, but she refused to believe that it was _that_ bad.   
   
 _Month 1 Day 16_    
   
Kaidan scowled at the schedule. As much as he loved Joker and Tali, he didn’t feel too appreciative towards them right now.   
“Kaidan!” Tali strode over. “You’ve seen the schedule changes?”   
“Who did you kill?” He stared at her.   
“We just told the kids that if they helped get you some time off you’d bring her in to visit some time.”   
Kaidan dropped his head into his hands. He should have just kept his mouth shut. They’d barely gone on any dates. They were just managing to meet and chat a bit at the coffee shop and now his friends had taken to meddling.   
“Kaidan,” Tali grasped his shoulders. “You need to go on an actual date.”   
Normally, he would agree with her. Except there was one problem. “Tali, it’s _Valentine’s_. Dates mean something else then. I don’t even have anything prepared!”   
“It’ll work out!” she chirped, twirling him around. “That’s why we got you the whole day. You have plenty of time! You were never going to just take her to a restaurant or something anyways.” His friends knew him way too well. He hated the crowds and noise that came in during holidays. Besides, everyone went to restaurants for Valentine’s. It wasn’t special enough for his liking.   
   
He sighed and walked forward. He could almost swear that Shepard and his friends must be on the same wavelength when Joker shoved the phone at him.   
“Your girlfriend,” Joker explained. “Seriously, are you two synced or something?”   
Kaidan groaned. They hadn’t actually decided to go steady yet, but he couldn’t keep the smile from his face as he took the phone from Joker.   
“Hey there.”   
 _“Hey.”_ She sounded oddly nervous and he thought that he heard someone in the background whispering ‘Do it, do it, do it,’   
 _“Are… um, are you working tonight?”_    
Kaidan glared at Joker, who smirked and just raised his hands. “My coworkers meddled with my schedule so I’m free.”   
Shepard let out a huff of air. He thought that might have been a laugh.   
 _“Well… I… I know it’s Valentines and well…”_    
“Shepard,” he interrupted. “Would you like to go on a date with me tonight?” If he just let her go on, he thought that his heart would pound his chest open. Joker snickered and Kaidan shot him a glare.    
Shepard let out another huff. _“You just couldn’t wait, could you?”_ He heard her partner laughing in the background.   
 _“It’s my birthday, can we do something for that, rather than Valentines?”_    
His heart started to thud again. Her birthday?   
“Happy Birthday, Shepard,” he murmured. Joker’s eyebrows shot up.   
 _“Thanks,”_ she murmured. He faintly heard her ‘no, go away.’   
“If it’s not too forward,” he bit his lip. He couldn’t believe he was asking this. “Can I make you dinner at my place?” He felt his palms sweat at the muffled discussion before Shepard’s voice came through clearly.   
 _“I’m not staying over, and Ashley wants to know your address in case I get murdered,”_ Shepard commented dryly. Kaidan felt a small smile cross his face. He thought she’d refuse, and her safety measures made sense. He gave her the address and suggested giving Ashley his personal number as well.   
“Time?” Shepard asked.   
Kaidan paused. He needed to clean his condo, but did he want everything done before she got there, or for her to participate? He decided that since it was her birthday, it was better to just let her relax.   
“Is seven too late for you?”   
 _“If that’s food time, that’s perfect.”_    
Kaidan laughed. “I’ll do my best. Any allergies or preferences I should know about?”   
She hummed for a moment. _“No allergies and how about you just show me what you got?”_    
Kaidan huffed and tapped his fingers against the desk. He wanted to make something she’d like. He let a small smile cross his face as he plotted out the rest of his day.   
“Okay. Call me when you’re close.”   
 _“Will do!”_    
He handed Joker the phone back.   
“Getting her anything?” Joker asked.   
Kaidan smiled secretively. He would draw out the suspense for them a little for just springing this on him.   
“Should I really ruin the surprise for you?”   
“ _Yes!_ ” Joker scowled.   
Kaidan grinned and tapped the brim of Joker’s hat. “Too bad.” He turned to leave. He had a lot to do now, starting with a trip to the market.   
   
Six fifty hit a lot faster than he thought, and he was half surprised that he actually managed to clean up the kitchen as well; not as much as he’d like, but close. He let out a happy sigh when his phone started ringing.   
 _“How bad is it?”_ Shepard joked.   
Kaidan laughed. “Better than I thought.” His heart thumped when he remembered he still had to get her gift out.   
 _“Are you setting me up for a fall there?”_    
“I think you managed to set me up for one well already.” He felt the pressure build up again.   
 _“Relax,”_ Shepard assured him. He heard a car door close. _“And open your door in five minutes,”_ she advised.   
“I’ll count the seconds,” he joked. He heard the click of the phone and promptly set a timer for four minutes and thirty seconds. It would be just enough time to finish setting the table and putting her gift into a bag. He managed it all, and stirring dinner once, with thirty seconds to spare. He tried to take deep breaths to stop his pulse from fluttering. The best he got was a superficial calm when his timer went off. He opened the door to see Shepard, raising her hand to knock. She lifted an eyebrow and Kaidan wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to breathe again.   
   
“Kaidan?”   
He snapped back, taking in another deep breath. “Sorry, you’re just…” he felt his face heating up. “You look…” he searched for a word that could possibly convey how he felt. She shone like a star, her skin a perfect contrast to the silver sheen of her dress. Her hair was held back by a glittering silver headband and moon earrings hung from her ears. She just radiated warmth and he found the word just falling off his tongue. “Radiant.”   
“So,” she leaned forward. “Is the handsome doctor going to let my radiant self in?” He almost tripped to stand to the side. He felt his face redden when she smiled at him. She glanced at the doorway before toeing her shoes off. He didn’t even know how she seemed to notice everything.   
   
“Kaidan,” she turned to face him. “What’s the bag for?”   
“Happy birthday,” he murmured, now feeling oddly self-conscious. She frowned and put it down again. He felt that same disseminating gaze from her as the first time they met. He swallowed, wondering if he had done something wrong.   
“Why?” She placed a hand on her hip.   
He blinked. “I actually bought it a while ago. I just thought that it suited you. I had no idea when I would give to you, though.” He rubbed the back of his neck and dropped his gaze slightly.   
Shepard sighed softly, her arm dropping back to her side. “What is it?”   
“A slogan sweater and a sticker.” He was slowly feeling more stupid about the gift as he glanced back at her.   
Shepard was eying the bag thoughtfully. “Now I’m curious.” She glanced back at him, and he waved her to open her gift. She bent to open the bag, her hair slipped. His eyes drifted to the low back of her dress, across her bare shoulders up to her neck. There was something about how she was standing, even now that he found entrancing. He was barely able to snap out of it as Shepard read out the slogan.   
“99 problems and you’re one of them.” She glanced back at him, her hair slipping off her shoulder. It distracted him slightly from her scowl. “Are you saying I’m a problem?”   
Kaidan felt his throat lock slightly, his eyes snapping to hers. He hadn’t meant that at all. Why didn’t it occur to him that it could be taken as an insult? How could he fix this? Shepard’s small smile stopped him from going into a full panic.   
   
He let out a small huff and leaned against a wall, closing his eyes for a moment. “Maybe _I’m_ the problem.”   
Shepard’s smile grew as she slipped the sweater over her dress and winked. “Maybe you’ll be able to find your tongue a little easier now.”   
He was a little sad that it actually worked. He was far less distracted now, and couldn’t help but give her a wry smile.   
“It’s doing wonders for my distraction levels,” he admitted. “But I have to say I did enjoy the thoughts of ‘how is there a woman this gorgeous?’” His eyes drifted over her breast, where he had stuck the small heart sticker to the sweater. It really did suit her.   
   
“Good, now I smell curry and…” Shepard closed her eyes and tilted her head back. He wished he could just frame that moment in his memory. Kaidan swallowed hard, trying to refocus before letting words fall from his mouth. “Homemade bread.”   
Shepard shivered and licked her lips, causing a small thrill to travel through his own body.   
“Is it bad of me,” she murmured. “To ask if we can eat now, so I have an excuse to kiss you silly?”   
His mouth suddenly felt ten times dryer, and it must have shown on his face because Shepard laughed. She drew close to him and hesitated for a moment before planting a small kiss on his cheek.   
“Seriously,” her head dropped to his shoulder. “I’m starving. Please tell me it’s all ready?”   
Kaidan smiled and planted a small kiss of his own on her temple. “It should be perfect right now. Bread will probably be a little cold.”   
“We should save the bread,” she nodded sombrely, raising her head back up. Her arm felt natural around his waist. He drew her closer by slipping his arm around her shoulders.   
“Let me show you to the kitchen,” he offered.   
“You’ll give me a proper tour later right?” Shepard glanced over at him.   
“As you wish.” The words were almost a habit.   
Shepard paused and grinned. “Someone’s a Princess Bride fan.”   
Kaidan kept his face straight as he glanced at her. “I would say so.”   
The two of them laughed as he guided her to the kitchen. It felt like a perfect beginning, so long as he could keep his tongue in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found out that Shepard had a canon birthday after I wrote this chapter. Please forgive me ; ;.


	5. Month 7/8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Failed cleanup and a trip away

  _Month 7 Day 20_    
   
Shepard groaned. It seemed like forever since she last cleaned, yet the place had been sparkling for so long. She forgot exactly how much she hated the entire process. Unfortunately, she was used to living with _some_ tidiness now and she found her usual half-mess irritating. What she had to deal with now was a complete catastrophe.   
   
She sighed. She had promised Ashley she would clean too. A corner of her mouth turned up slightly. At least Ashley had stopped needling her about Kaidan for the last week. She was looking forward to some silence about her love life. It had been over a month, and if he had wanted to change things he would have told her by now.   
   
It didn’t stop her from hoping that he would contact her. She groaned and went to her room. Ashley once joked that she should just toss all of her room into a garbage bag and she would have more garbage in the bag than things she wanted to keep.   
   
Shepard was fairly certain she was right about that. It was tempting, except she was fairly certain that Ashley’s copy of Ulysses was somewhere in there. The stupid book was the entire reason Ashley had asked her to clean her room.   
   
Shepard sighed again and glanced around the room, feeling no compulsion whatsoever to start, or even find a starting point. She plopped onto the floor with a groan and started grabbing whatever came to hand.   
   
Soon enough she had five piles: trash, maybe trash, recycling, put away, and Ashley’s things. The latter was mostly books and the occasional colourful hair tie. She forgot that she had borrowed a few of them when she was dating Kaidan. Shepard preferred the plain hair ties, but Ashley’s hair ties were perfect for just a little accent when she went out.   
   
They made her feel pretty while she was with him, almost a counterpoint to the childish joy evoked from his stickers. Her throat locked for a moment when the next item came to hand. She traced the cover for a moment before throwing it into the garbage pile. She didn’t need the stickers anymore.   
   
The next thing she picked up, as if fate hated her cleaning, was one of Kaidan’s ties. She wrapped it around her hands. She remembered it too well. Her throat closed, and she threw it down. She couldn’t do this.   
   
Shepard stepped out of her room and leaned against the wall. She felt the tears welling in her eyes and despair engulfed her like its long-lost friend. A choking sob escaped her as the tears began to roll down her face. She had her friends, her mom; she shouldn’t be feeling so alone right now. Yet she felt a black hole slowly devouring her and there was no one to talk to.   
   
Her friends had made their opinion clear; they thought she was an idiot. They didn’t understand. Shepard wiped at her eyes furiously. Her mother might understand, and she hadn’t visited her yet this month. She was surprised she hadn’t received a scolding call yet—The CSI opening began to play on her phone.   
   
Shepard laughed, choking back a sob. A watery smile covered her face when she saw her mom’s caller ID and answered the phone.   
“Hi mom.”   
 _“Esper—Have you been crying?”_    
“Only just,” Shepard admitted. She wiped at the tears again.   
 _“Is this something I should know?”_    
Shepard tapped her fingers, wondering how she should break everything to her.   
 _“Esperanza, you haven’t seen me for almost two months now. What’s going on? Are you hurt?”_    
“Not the type you’re thinking,” Shepard sighed. “I broke up with Kaidan.”   
There was a pause. _“Well, that’s no reason to not visit.”_    
A smile crawled onto Shepard’s face. “We wanted to give each other space.”   
   
 _“Esperanza Shepard, you tell me exactly what’s going on, and then you can ask me the question that’s burning at the back of your head.”_    
Shepard used to hate that about her mom. That tone always made her feel guilty as hell if she left out even the tiniest morsel of information. So she told her everything and like always, her mom didn’t say a word until she was finished talking.   
 _“I’m sorry you felt like that.”_    
   
Shepard’s chest lightened. Finally, there was someone that understood why she couldn’t deal with it.   
“Sorry, just… Dad…”   
 _“I love your father very much, and that will never change Esperanza. Whether he was around or not.”_    
Shepard sniffed. “Just… I would watch you, you know? When I was old enough that you wouldn’t catch me.”   
 _“So the one time that I knew you were up and he promised to be home on time?”_    
Shepard could hear her mother’s smile. She should have known that her activities weren’t unnoticed. It must have been a mother thing. She rolled her eyes and slid to sit on the floor, her back against the wall.   
“Sure, yeah. Then the one time he made the effort recently was…”   
 _“The accident? That wasn’t the only time he made the effort Esperanza. It’s just the only time he told you about ahead of time. He was there for us—”_    
“No he wasn’t!” Shepard interrupted. “I can’t deal with the distance and the… the waiting because… because…” Shepard dropped her head to her knees. She could remember her mother’s sad, wistful smile and always waiting for her dad to come home. Always waiting.   
 _“Shhhh it’s okay little Shepard. It’s okay. I’m always here.”_ She paused, her voice falling back to normal tones. _“But you really do still need to visit me. I’ll get his days off from some lovely person here so you don’t have to see him, okay?”_    
Shepard sniffled. She really wanted a hug now.   
 _“Good. Now take a walk around the block to dry those tears.”_    
Shepard laughed. “Think that still works?”   
 _“It always works. I love you.”_    
“I love you too.” Shepard pulled the phone away from her ear, a smile dancing on her cheeks. She did feel better now. All she had done was say what happened, and her mother barely said anything. Except for one piece of advice. Shepard stretched out her arms, glancing at the piles. She would deal with those when Ashley got home. Right now she had to get away and take a walk.   
   
 _Month 8 Day 1_    
   
“Thanks for this,” Kaidan repeated.   
Joker rolled his eyes. “Hey, you remember what the price is though, right?”   
Kaidan snorted. “Fix the ramp, got it.”   
“And?” Joker prompted.   
   
“Check the plumbing.”   
“No, that was something you offered me in the hopes I’d forget the other shit.”   
Kaidan hoped that Joker had forgotten that part of the deal. He slumped and let the bag drop to the floor.   
“In return for you not saying anything about Shepard, I have to tell you exactly what happened,” he sighed.   
“Bingo. So, until that point any references to her are fair game.” Joker wheeled up to the door. “But I still don’t know why you wanted to get out of the city so badly.”   
“If you open a case of Canadian beer, maybe I’ll tell you,” he muttered.   
Joker spun his chair around quickly, a triumphant grin on his face. He pointed at Kaidan. “Ha! I knew it! Guess what I stocked up on!”   
   
Kaidan let his head thump gently against the wood. There were two reasons he was here. One, was to try to forget Shepard. The other was the calming effects that the woods seemed to have on him. It was probably one of the few things he actually missed about his childhood home.   
   
“I got five cases.”   
Kaidan stared at his friend.   
Joker shrugged. “Hey, you’ve been mopey, figured it would let you get it all out. Besides, I want to drink a few.”   
Kaidan didn’t like the look on Joker’s face. “It’s just us this weekend right?”   
Joker glanced to the side; one of those tells that Shepard taught him.   
   
Kaidan sighed. “Who?”   
Joker turned slightly red. “Um, don’t get too pissed? He’s not coming up until tomorrow.”   
Kaidan turned to leave. He couldn’t _believe_ that Joker and Tali would steep so—   
“Hey! It’s just one of her coworkers!” Joker called.   
Kaidan paused, feeling something settle uncomfortably in his stomach. He wasn’t sure if he preferred a blind date set up to actually meeting one of Shepard’s coworkers after they broke up. “Who?”   
“That hulking guy! Met him a little while ago, said he knows a few tricks this baby can pull off,” Joker patted the arm of his wheelchair.   
   
Kaidan sighed. “Whatever, I’ll just go out for a hike tomorrow then. Maybe I’ll miss him then.” Even though all he really wanted to do was sit and watch the stars for the weekend. Although, it might be better to go on the hike. His stomach churned as he remembered the last time he had gone star watching.   
“So we’re good?”   
   
Kaidan shook his head and headed back inside. “We’re far from good,” Kaidan warned. “You _know—_ ”   
“Yeah, yeah,” Joker waved his hand. “It was last minute okay? He heard about this place and that I was going to go for the weekend and we’ve been trying to plan—”   
“I don’t need to know about your love life, Joker,” Kaidan teased. He enjoyed Joker’s squawk of dismay, but didn’t expect the bright red colour to his face.   
   
Kaidan arched an eyebrow. “Is there something I need to know?”   
“No, just… last time I saw him there was a chick with him. Dunno what it was about her. She looked more like a book-ish sort but my spine went all tingly.”   
“Book-ish in what way?”   
“Almost like those cyber divisions book-ish. Well, he said she was their information support. Really weird name too, maybe it’s her handle.”   
   
“Sounds like a match in heaven.” Kaidan regretted those words the moment he said them. He knew exactly where this conversation was going to go now. Surprisingly, Joker opened his mouth and then closed it before wheeling away. Kaidan watched him, slightly baffled before he shook his head before heading up the stairs to drop his bag in one of the guest rooms.   
   
“Kaidan?” Joker called. “I got your beer so you fucking better spill the beans.”   
Kaidan sighed. That’s what he had expected. Normally he would be grateful that Joker would get him a drink before prying into his life, but he just wanted to leave it alone to scab over. If possible right now, he wished that he had never teased her at that shop.   
   
Kaidan swallowed and closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath and letting it out. He just had to bottle it up, control his feelings. He would be fine, he had to believe that. She was only a girl, and there were plenty of fish in the sea.   
   
“I’m coming!” he called down. He glanced around at the room before heading down, slowly building his resolve. Joker just glanced at him and handed him two open bottles before opening a third for himself.   
“You look like shit,” Joker commented.   
Kaidan arched an eyebrow.   
“Seriously, not even that usual polite smile on your face, it’s weird.”   
“I’ll be fine,” Kaidan insisted.   
   
Joker frowned, but didn’t say a word. Kaidan took his first chug of alcohol and looked out the window.   
“You know we’re worried, right?”   
Kaidan shrugged. “It’s nothing I haven’t been through before.”   
Joker’s mouth twisted, and he took a drink from his own bottle. “Yeah, but… it’s different too isn’t it?”   
“Does that matter?” Kaidan shot back.   
Joker glanced at him. Kaidan felt a jolt shock through him. There was no hint of Joker’s usual joking face.   
“That’s up to you isn’t it? But one of us needs to know what went wrong.” Joker’s face twisted. “Seriously, I got weird vibes from your last partner, but Shepard…” he shook his head. “There was a pool about how long until someone popped the question.”   
“You’re joking,” Kaidan said flatly. He was with Shepard for less than six months; there was no way that they would have bet on that.   
   
“Only a little, no cash. So, what was it that drove you two apart?” Joker stared at him. “That’s all I want to know.”   
Kaidan finished the one bottle. “I couldn’t reach her.” He waited for Joker to comment. He was slightly surprised that he only waved him on.   
“I couldn’t even get a hold of her to _tell_ her that lack of communication was an issue. We went from seeing each other every day, to every week, to never.” Kaidan scowled.   
   
Joker opened his mouth before closing it again and looking out at the forest thoughtfully.   
“Anything else?”   
“Isn’t that enough?” Kaidan commented bitterly.   
Joker glanced at him. “I’ll bet you a bottle of that Canadian Ice Wine you like that if you call her _right now_ she’d pick up.”   
   
Kaidan felt his throat dry up, and tears build in his eyes. He wiped them away.   
“No,” he whispered. “She wanted me gone too. If it was just…”   
“Maybe she had a problem too—”   
“It’s over, Joker.” Kaidan swallowed. “I won’t see her again.”   
“That’ll be kinda hard.” Joker’s sarcasm was back in full force. “Her mom’s doing rehab after all.”   
“You know what I mean,” Kaidan snapped.   
Kaidan wondered if he was imagining the sad tone to Joker’s voice.   
“Yeah, yeah I do.”


	6. Month 2/3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snow dates and serious discussions

  _Month 2 Day 3_    
   
Shepard never thought there might be an incident of friendly fire at her house, but there was probably going to be one in the next five minutes.   
“Seriously, Shepard just put it on!”   
“No, Ashley. If I’m going on another date; I want his tongue to stay in his head.”   
“You know you liked it.”   
   
Honestly, she did like seeing Kaidan so flabbergasted. But she really didn’t want to try to get Kaidan’s tongue back in his head when they had so little time for dates to begin with.   
“I liked it,” Shepard admitted. “But I liked that sweater more.”   
“I still might steal it,” Ashley grumbled. “Seriously, how does the first guy you decide is worth a second date get you perfect things already? Is he a magician by night?”   
Shepard shrugged. “Don’t question a good thing.”   
“Always question a good thing,” Ashley corrected. “Then you don’t end up with serial killers, and you can avoid the rose-tinted glasses effect.”   
   
Shepard laughed. “Okay, okay I’ll question it. But I’m not wearing that. It’s too cold out.”   
“There’s snow too,” Ashley commented. “Lots of it overnight.”   
Shepard grinned. “I’ll do the sidewalk?”   
Ashley groaned. “You devil.” She leaned over the side of the couch. “That means I have the driveway.”   
“Yes, it does. Why don’t you just get the guys over and make a bunch of snowmen?”   
“Because you complained last time!” Ashley draped herself dramatically over the couch arm.   
“The neighbours complained,” Shepard rolled her eyes. “I had to listen to them saying how it wasn’t kid appropriate.”   
Ashley huffed. “Clearly they never read Calvin and Hobbes.”   
“Age appropriate,” Shepard stared at her down.   
“They’re _twelve_ and _fourteen_ Shepard. Their parents need to wake up and realise the kids know more than they think they know.”   
Shepard shrugged. “I don’t care, as long as I don’t have to listen to the complaints. You get to field these ones!”   
Ashley rolled over on the couch, looking at Shepard upside down. “What if I got the kids to help make them? Or we could do snow sculptures!”   
   
Shepard smiled and shook her head. “Whatever gets the snow off the drive. Send me pictures?”   
“You know it! Go have fun! Don’t be yourself for once!”   
Shepard rolled her eyes. “I think that’s _why_ he likes me Ash.”   
“Whatever rocks your boat,” Ashley shrugged. “You’re the one with a date. Just let me know if you’re staying the night.”   
   
Shepard shook her head and wiggled her feet into her boots. Part of the reason she refused Ashley’s offer of clothing was that she liked being _warm_. Heeled boots and thin jackets were not warm, no matter how much she insisted otherwise. She did admit she liked feeling nice when she met up with Kaidan. She turned her head around to ask Ashley for something small to wear, just in time to get beaned by Ashley’s butterfly hair clasp. She snorted and clipped it onto her ponytail.   
“Be fabulous!”   
“I will!”   
“Pictures!”   
“You too!” Shepard smiled as she opened the door and locked it behind her. She slipped her keys into her pocket and walked out the bus.   
   
Nerves filled her through the quiet bus ride. The storm had resulted in most people staying home in the warmth. So, of course Kaidan wanted to go out for a walk and Shepard couldn’t find any reason to say no. Something about him and hot chocolate in the last blast of winter seemed too appealing.   
   
So when she got off at the researched stop closest to Kaidan’s condo, she was blown away.   
“Shepard,” Kaidan greeted, jogging over to her.   
Her eyes went wide as they flitted around. “What?”   
Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck with an awkward smile. “Well, it helped keep the sidewalks clear?”   
Shepard burst out laughing as she took in the chaos in front of her.   
   
The storefront areas of the sidewalks had a large variety of snow men, or sculptures in front of them. It looked like there were even a few lessons going on. The other half seemed to be having an all-out snowball fight, forts included.   
“I think you’re off the sidewalks now,” she commented.   
Kaidan shrugged. “The kids ran out of snow, so we moved over to the park.”   
Shepard dug in her pocket for her snowball gloves. Her mittens were warm, but didn’t give her the dexterity she’d need, and the snow would stick to them.   
   
“So we’re clear, you are getting me hot chocolate after.” She raised an eyebrow.   
Kaidan raised one of her hands to his lips, pressing a small kiss to it with a smile. “I’d be honoured to make you some.”   
Shepard felt her heart flutter in that familiar way. She ducked her head slightly and removed her hand from Kaidan’s to gather up a handful of snow.   
   
She smiled deviously as she packed the snow and Kaidan’s eyes widened as he ran for cover.   
Shepard yelped when she got pelted by one snowball in the back and turned to see who threw it. She promptly got another snowball to the back and turned to throw her own missile. She smacked Kaidan in the shoulder, ducked to scoop up more ammo before going to find her own cover.   
   
An hour later, they were both soaked and laughing. Shepard still felt a little chilly even after putting her coat with Kaidan’s by the heater.   
“Here.” Kaidan placed his arms around her, not actually touching her skin. She pulled him in closer, letting out a sigh of relief.   
“How are you so warm?” she sighed. If she could bury herself deeper into his arms, she would.   
“Must be a Canadian thing,” he murmured.   
   
She glanced up, turning around to face him. “Really?”   
“Born and raised. We moved for my dad’s work right after I finished high school, so I decided to finish schooling here.”   
“How long ago was that?” Shepard was guessing that he was probably in his early thirties, which he confirmed.   
“You?”   
“Local. We have a house that’s barely in the city limits.”   
Kaidan frowned. “You bussed here? I’ll pick you up next time.”   
“Kaidan,” Shepard started.   
“No,” Kaidan pressed his cheek to her hair. “I’ll pick you up, you can pick the music and we can either drive into the city, or do something else.”   
“Ashley has a car,” Shepard complained.   
“So?”   
Shepard slumped slightly and sighed, placing her arms around his waist. “Okay. You can drive me home tonight then.”   
   
Kaidan’s arms tightened around her. “It would be my pleasure. Can I show you something first?”   
“As long as I’m warm, I don’t care,” Shepard murmured. His warmth was slowly seeping into her, chasing away the dark cold that seemed to seek her bones.   
Kaidan laughed and drew slightly back.   
“Hot chocolate and a blanket?”   
“I think you’re better than a blanket.” Shepard couldn’t believe those words just came out of her mouth.   
   
She was fairly certain that her own face was as red as Kaidan’s. “One blanket for both of us then. I’m not completely impervious to the cold, and I’ll need my hands,” he mumbled.   
Shepard sighed and ducked under his arms to stand behind him while keeping her arms wrapped around him. His back was just as warm, even though she missed his arms around her.   
“There,” she declared, pressing a cheek to his back. “Now you can use your hands.”   
Kaidan let out a small huff, and she shuffled with him to the kitchen. She let her chin rest on his shoulder as he started the hot chocolate.   
“Oh, you’re going to ruin me,” Shepard groaned. She was only expecting the powdered stuff, but he was melting chocolate squares into milk. “I’ll never be able to drink the powdered stuff again.”   
   
Kaidan laughed. “Should I burn it for you then?”   
“Don’t you dare!” Shepard tightened her arms around him. Kaidan let out another laugh and slowly poured the drink into two travelling cups.   
“We aren’t going outside are we?” Shepard complained.   
Kaidan shook his head and snagged the quilt off the couch.   
   
Shepard wasn’t entirely sure how he managed to wrap it around both of them so well, but he managed it. She slid out under one of his arms, letting it drape on her shoulder and she drew the blanket closer. Kaidan had a gorgeous smile when he stared at her, like the world had laid itself at his feet. She felt her cheeks go red again and ducked her head.   
   
Kaidan’s hand caressed her cheek lightly, guiding her to look back up at him.   
   
The elevator dinged its arrival. Shepard jumped, suddenly grateful the hot chocolate was in a travel mug. Kaidan looked just as embarrassed as he guided her in and hit the top floor.   
“What are we doing?” she muttered, staring at the floor now.   
Kaidan’s arm drew her close and she let out a sigh as his warmth permeated her again.   
“You’ll see. I hope you’ll like it.” She raised an eyebrow at watched the numbers slowly count up.   
   
The floor was barren except for a few couches and very dim lights. The city stretched before her, but Shepard found that her gaze was drawn up. Something she liked about living on the outskirts was that she could see some of the stars at night, but this was something else. She was barely aware of Kaidan guiding her to one of the couches and sitting them both down.   
   
She could feel him smiling at her while the moonlight soaked into her skin.   
“Kaidan,” she breathed.   
He leaned his head on top of hers.   
She fought to find the words to say.   
   
She tore her eyes from the horizon to draw them back to Kaidan. He looked content, and she felt it settle into her bones. She traced his jaw, drawing his gaze back to her.   
“Can I?” she whispered, leaning forward.   
Kaidan gave his answer by pressing his lips gently to hers in their first kiss.   
   
 _Month 3 Day 15_    
   
Kaidan took in a deep breath, leaning his head on the steering wheel. He couldn’t believe he was here. It was one thing to have Shepard over at his place and watch her being flustered. It was another to go to her place and stay the night. He felt his pulse fluttering the more he sat there. Shepard said she had a house on the outskirts. Somehow he didn’t imagine a medium-sized house, dwarfed by its larger neighbours. In fact, a lot of this wasn’t what he had planned initially.   
   
He almost jumped out of his skin when someone knocked on his window.   
“Hey, you can park in the garage. I’m going to head out for the night.” He couldn’t remember the name of Shepard’s partner for the life of him.   
Kaidan thought his heart was going to leap out of his chest. He swallowed and nodded. “Need me to pull out?”   
“Sure, there’s a door to the living room in the garage. Shepard’s reading right now.” She hesitated for a moment. “You’re good for offering to come over instead. She’s pretty drained.”   
   
Shepard’s partner certainly had a wicked grin about her. “I’m sure you’ll both have more fun without me around and you’ll manage to reenergize her.”   
“No pressure,” he muttered.   
“None at all!” she chirped. “Just remember to set aside a portion of dinner for me.” She waved and headed back inside. Kaidan shook his head and backed out the driveway, waiting for her to leave. He felt better once he was inside the garage, and even better when he saw Shepard staring at a book, her feet on the couch.   
“Is it any good?” he walked behind her.   
Shepard flailed, falling off the couch before staring up at him. “Why didn’t you say something!”   
He stared at her. “I… just did?”   
Shepard groaned and sat back up on the couch. “How did you even?”   
“Your roommate.”   
“Oh, Ashley? Where is she?” Shepard frowned.   
Kaidan hesitated. He felt like Ashley’s decision may have been very last minute, and without notifying certain people. “She said she was going to go out for the night.”   
   
Shepard banged the back of her head against the wall, closing her eyes. “I’m going to make her the spiciest fucking paella ever. I’ll sprinkle it with so much goddamned peppers, and only hers.”   
Kaidan laughed. “Safe to approach?”   
Shepard opened her arms with a smile. It was still taking him some time to get used to this feeling, her lips against his; his lips against her skin as he pressed another kiss against her cheek.   
   
Shepard let out a happy sigh and pressed a kiss against his neck. Her breath tickled him a little, but he found he enjoyed her lips tracing his skin.   
“The paella will take awhile.”   
Kaidan blinked, staring up at her. “Oh?”   
“Are you hungry?” Shepard sucked in one cheek, he was fairly certain she was biting the inside of it. “I have some snacks.”   
   
“Shepard,” he scolded. “Wasn’t the entire point of me coming over letting you rest more?”   
Shepard rolled her eyes. “Paella isn’t draining when it’s all but cooked, but if you _insist_ on helping…”   
His heart beat faster at her shy smile. He pressed a small kiss to her lips. “I will always be here for you.”   
Shepard frowned and pulled away. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”   
Kaidan found himself following her into the kitchen. What did he say? “Shepard?”   
She turned to face him. “You can’t promise me that,” her voice wavered. “Not when we both know we would put our jobs first.” Her face hardened as she faced him.   
   
He couldn’t answer her. His kids were important, but he wasn’t sure if they were as important to him as Shepard was right now.   
“See?” she whispered. His heart felt like it was ripping in half at her smile. “The cop and the doctor, both with too many romantic ideals of saving everyone else and never able to be with each other.”   
“The detective and the doctor, saving everyone and still finding snippets of time to be together.” he corrected. Her eyes widened and he let out a small smile. He was glad for some of the gossip in the coffee shop now.   
“James mentioned hearing that you were taking the detective exam soon.” He took a small step closer to her. He didn’t want to touch her without her permission, and she still looked like she was watching the beginnings of a car wreck.   
“It’s part of why I pushed to come over. You don’t need to take on the world alone, Shepard.”   
Shepard swallowed and looked away. Kaidan swallowed, he didn’t want to lose her. His kids were important, but Shepard and her eagerness, her devotion to everything she did were becoming just as important to him. He would make it all work.   
   
“Shepard,” he pleaded.   
“You asked about me?” she whispered.   
Kaidan shook his head. “James asked how your studying was going, that’s all. I don’t know anything else.”   
He hoped she’d take the hint and open up to him. He didn’t expect her to suddenly squeeze him tightly.   
“I can’t remember any of the crap in the book. Wrex and Garrus keep saying I should go for it with them, that we’ll all be a team to the end. They say I’ll ace the test without any problems, but I can’t get any of the fucking practice test questions right.”   
Kaidan stroked her hair lightly. “How is it set up?”   
Shepard shook her head and drew back. “No, I need to do it.”   
Kaidan smiled. “What about study tips, or a study buddy?”   
   
She looked at him skeptically.   
“Med school is good for something.” He raised an eyebrow.   
Shepard laughed. Kaidan felt his heart get ten times lighter as she relaxed again and leaned against him.   
“Okay, send me all your tricks and tips then.”   
“It might help to talk to your team too,” he advised. “Even if you feel it’s stupid.” He had accidentally started a great many debates within his med school with questions about tests.    
   
His stomach started to rumble, prompting them both to laugh.   
“I guess we should start, hm?” Shepard smiled.   
“I think that would be best,” he admitted. He rubbed the back of his neck, cursing his loud stomach for ruining the moment.   
Shepard held onto him for a moment longer.   
“Kaidan, will you stay?” she whispered.   
“I’ll stay, as long as you want me to,” he assured her.   
She gave him a watery smile and hugged him tighter. He couldn’t imagine ever leaving her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Calvin and Hobbes okay? X3


	7. Month 9/10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Failed dates and advice

  _Month 9 Day 5_    
   
Shepard smoothed out her dress. It was nerve-wracking going out on a first date again. She didn’t have Ashley at home this time either; she hadn’t decided if that was a blessing or not. It meant she wasn’t quite as certain about how she looked, but she also didn’t have to deal with any of the ‘Kaidan’ prodding.   
   
It was three months since their breakup, and Ashley still didn’t want to let it go. The frequency had decreased, but she would still bring him up. Shepard she may have made a mistake with the breakup, but she didn’t want to admit it. She went out to a bar and managed to land herself a date. It was almost surprising how easy it had been. There were several things that she had found either harder, or easier since she broke up with Kaidan. It was harder to drink hot chocolate now for one thing.   
   
Shepard checked her appearance once more in the mirror. She was looking forward to a more typical date, just a dinner out. It should be fun. She let out a sigh and shook her shoulders, hoping to slough off some of her nerves. She glanced at her shoes; maybe the plain dress shoes were a mistake. She could just borrow Ashley’s set again, but she wasn’t sure how she’d feel about it. Shepard glanced into the mirror again, frowning slightly. There just wasn’t the same excited fear she always had when she was going on a date with Kaidan. Although, she mused as she peered at her back, that might not be a bad thing. All she had to hope for now was that her date could keep his tongue in his head.   
   
Her one expectation was met. Her date managed to keep his tongue in his head and offered her the usual platitudes that happened on first dates. She looked pretty. She looked strong. Shepard was a little disappointed. She missed the way that Kaidan would look at her, stared as if he couldn’t believe she even existed. His compliments weren’t meaningless words, but how his eyes would trace her body and the way his tongue stuck to his throat. It felt strange enough that she separated from the entire date experience. It seemed like she was only a pretty armpiece for him and nothing else mattered. Kaidan though, Kaidan she had never talked about work, but they always had something to talk about. Neither of them really brought up the subject of work, actually. She frowned slightly and stared down at her plate. Perhaps that had been one of their problems, but she had enjoyed it. They took the time to actually relax and watch a bad movie or two when they had a rough day.   
   
She must have drifted off to Neverland because his question snapped her back to Earth.   
“What?” her eyes narrowed.   
He blinked at her. “I just said that your first name must be bad if you insist on going by your last name. I was wondering why you hadn’t changed it.”   
Shepard counted to ten as she smoothed the napkin on her lap. When she reached the end, she was still irritated and bit her tongue to stop from snapping at him. With that one question, she remembered why she didn’t like dates. It was an inevitable question, and it was the one question that Kaidan never asked her. She could still see the curiosity shining in his eyes when he heard her name, but he kept his mouth shut.   
“It’s none of your business,” she answered curtly.   
He frowned at her, his gaze dropping slightly. She let her fork rest on the table. They both frowned, even though it was such a stupid, small, insignificant thing. She sipped at her wine; she had lost her appetite now. The dish might as well have tasted like ash, despite being one of her favourites. She stared down at it, fidgeting with the tablecloth while her date just kept nattering to fill her silence.   
   
By this point, Kaidan probably would have just had the meals packed up and grabbing the check. Only after he asked her if she was alright at least three times. They’d end up getting ice cream, or he would just give her a ride home if her energy was too low. She always rolled her eyes and smiled at him. Now, she missed it. She missed his observations and his compassion.   
   
It seemed like forever until she managed to shake the guy off, and all she wanted to do was go and talk to someone. She used to laugh when Ashley talked about how badly her dates failed, but now she didn’t want to share her own experiences. She didn’t want to see Ashley’s judgement stare or ‘Of course’ or ‘I told you so’ that would follow. She let out a sigh and just let her feet guide her. She could just put off talking to Ashley for now. Shepard closed her eyes when her phone rang. Ashley had the worst timing. She dug in her pocket and let out a breath. It wasn’t Ashley. Fear rolled through Shepard as she picked up the hospital’s call.   
   
“Shepard speaking.”   
She relaxed as her mother laughed.   
“Is that how you greet your mother?” she teased.   
“No, mom. It’s how I greet the hospital.” Shepard smiled and came to a stop.   
“I just thought I’d call to give you a week or two’s notice to clean up the house.”   
“You’re being released?” Shepard fought to keep the enthusiasm from her voice.   
“Yes.” Her mother’s smile was infectious, even over the phone. “I’ll have to go back and forth for rehab though.”   
“That’s fine! It’ll be great having you back home!”   
“Are you sure I won’t be intruding?”   
Shepard rolled her eyes. “It’s only me and Ash, mom.” She wasn’t sure what to make of the pause.   
“Are you in town right now?”   
Shepard’s brows drew together. “Yeah, I had a date.”   
“Good. Come visit. They’ll let you in.” Shepard opened her mouth to protest when the phone clicked. She let out a huff and pulled up the map on her phone. Whatever her mother wanted, she hoped that it was important.   
   
Shepard was sitting by her mother for at least five minutes, without a word being said.   
“Why am I here?” She crossed her arms and had to resist the urge to pout. She knew better than to snap at her mother.   
Her mother looked over at her, surprised. “I thought you wanted to talk. I was waiting for you to start.”   
Shepard’s face fell. “That… that was _all?_ ” She had almost twisted an ankle powerwalking in unfamiliar shoes getting here.   
Her mother shrugged. “It was in your voice.”   
Shepard slumped forward. She had no idea how her mother knew she wanted to talk, but she didn’t know how much she really wanted to share.   
“Did you date before you met dad?”   
Her mother tilted her head. “Why don’t you just ask me your question, Esperanza?”   
Shepard huffed and frowned when her mother smiled.   
“That’s the most you’ve been like yourself since you sat down.”   
Shepard leaned back, letting her head touch the wall. “I had a date. I just… I kept comparing him to Kaidan.”   
“Kaidan?”   
“Dr. Alenko,” Shepard elaborated. Her mother’s face fell slightly, and she shook her head.   
“If you compare every man you meet to him, you’ll never be happy Little Hope.”   
“I know!” Shepard ran a hand through her hair. “I couldn’t help it! He’s the only one that’s never asked about my name. Even after you called me Esperanza, he always called me Shepard.”   
   
Her mother only held her arms open and Shepard found herself stumbling into a hug. She stayed there for a while. She had forgotten how much she missed the warmth of arms around her.   
“I didn’t mean that you should forget him,” her mother advised. “But you should consider if you’re really happier without him. It’s been some time now, and you still haven’t let him go.”   
“What if I’m only sentimental because he’s the first person to make it past date one?” It sounded so pathetic coming out of her mouth.   
“Is that really all you like about him?”   
   
Shepard swallowed. She loved his little smile and how he was able to laugh at himself. She loved how his eyes would always track across her skin as if he found something new to love each time.   
“How could I?” Shepard sniffled.   
Her mother patted her head. “Is he worth trying again?”   
She didn’t know. They made time for each other in the beginning; until his work and her studying took over. She didn’t know if that would happen again, or if she wanted to deal with it.   
“Think about it,” she advised. “You’ll either find that you want to reconnect, or you’ll end up moving on.”   
“What if I just stay in limbo?” Shepard sulked. Luck had never favoured her relationships in particular. Her mother sighed, sitting back a little to observe her. “At that point, Esperanza, I will make sure you’re so busy that you’ll regret sulking.”   
   
Shepard laughed and pressed a kiss to her mother’s cheek. “Thanks mom.”   
“Now go clean that house!”   
Shepard laughed again and walked away, feeling far lighter than she had for a long while.   
   
 _Month 10 Day 15_    
   
Work was a good thing for Kaidan. He didn’t have to think about the items he still needed to return, kept by his bed. It was becoming harder each day to work up the nerve to bring them back to Shepard. He was tempted to get Tali to take them down to the station. The downside was that he was working too much now and was forced to take the next three days off. He debated taking up Joker’s standing offer to stay at his cottage, with the payment of food and gossip. It was the gossip part that worried him the most.   
“Dr. Alenko…”   
Kaidan’s eyes snapped to one of his kids.   
“Myrna, what’s wrong?” He knelt down to her eye level.   
“I wassss wondering if Shu… Sha…” She made a face. “Hope,” she sounded carefully. “If Hope’ll come back sssoon?”   
   
Kaidan felt like he was watching a collision happen right in front of him. His tongue glued to the top of his mouth and time slowed.   
“She’ll be back,” a gruff voice behind him advised. He suppressed a shiver as a hulking police officer knelt beside him and ruffled Myrna’s hair.   
“I’ll remind her to visit, okay?”   
“Okay!” Myrna beamed. “Do you work with Hope, Mr. Officcccer?”   
“I do,” he grinned widely. Kaidan wouldn’t help the small shiver at the hidden threat in that smile.   
“You can call me Wrex.”   
“Wrecksss?”   
“Good enough,” Wrex nodded. He tilted his head towards Kaidan. “Do you mind if I borrow your doctor for a bit?”   
Kaidan hoped that she would say no. His heart started to speed up while Myrna was thinking.   
She nodded. “Okay! But remember, you have to share!”   
Wrex chuckled; Kaidan was only half paying attention while Wrex guided him out of earshot. His gaze wasn’t quite as penetrating as Shepard’s. It seemed far more focused on implying bodily harm compared to her deducting glances.   
“What do you want?” Kaidan murmured once he found his voice again. Wrex’s stare sent shivers down his spine.   
Wrex turned to the side, shrugging slightly. “I wanted to see you at work, rather than glances at Joker’s cottage. Well, I was thinking of doing more than just _seeing_ but…” Wrex glanced at him again. “You look like shit. I bet you’ve looked like shit for a while now.”   
“Nail on the head,” Tali chirped as she grabbed another file and left. Kaidan sighed, it seemed like his friends weren’t that helpful either.   
   
Wrex nodded and clapped him on the shoulder. “In that case. Shepard’s mom wants to talk to you. Something about soil.”   
“Not my department,” Kaidan snapped.   
Wrex laughed. “Her mom’s the last one to worry about. Or me for that matter. Now Garrus… Garrus will take your feet out from under you without you realising it.” Wrex chuckled. “I’ll keep him away from you though. Now, go talk to your patient. Talk to Shepard’s mom when you have time, if you want. She might even make you feel better. Shepard didn’t get all her skills from school.”   
Kaidan felt like he was being set up for some trap, but he couldn’t ask anything. Wrex moved quickly for such a large man. He was almost at the end of the hall already, but only because he stopped for a moment to wave to Myrna. Kaidan shook his head slightly to clear it before returning to work.   
   
He fully intended to ignore Wrex’s advice, given that it was likely skewed in a certain person’s favour. At least, that was his plan until Miranda asked him the exact same thing. Even then, he managed to avoid visiting until the end of his shift. He would have ignored her orders if it wasn’t for his conscious poking at him and Miranda needling a promise out of him. He cursed them both as he stood just outside the door, let out a sigh, and stepped in.   
   
Shepard’s mother looked startled at his sudden intrusion, before a smile drifted onto her face.   
“Do you need some watering as well Dr. Alenko? You’re looking quite wilted.”   
“Kaidan,” he corrected. It felt strange, wrong almost to be here in his casual clothes. Shepard’s eyes softened slightly and she gestured him to sit.   
He ignored it, remaining standing. “Did you send her coworker to me?”   
She shrugged. “I suggested a possibility. If he acted on it, Esperanza likely looks like you do right now.”   
Kaidan felt dread filling him. “Did she pass her exam?” he blurted.   
She leaned back, eyes wide. “What?”   
“Her detective exam,” Kaidan clarified. He rubbed the back of his neck. He didn’t even realise that it had been bothering him.   
She pursed her lips. “Unlikely. She didn’t tell me anything, so it probably wasn’t good.”   
Kaidan’s heart plummeted, and he sat down. Given the timing, he hoped it wasn’t because of him, of them.   
   
“She was here recently too.” Shepard’s mom stared out the window before looking back at him. “I want to tell you about my husband, Kaidan.” She looked down at the sheets, smoothing them slightly. “It probably won’t change anything for you and Shepard, but I don’t think even she realises how much he affects her.”   
Kaidan frowned. Shepard had never even talked about her father and he didn’t even know if he should listen to this.   
“Did she tell you what he used to call her?”   
Kaidan shook his head.   
“He called her his Little Shepard. She was always gathering people, or animals around her.” Kaidan felt a small smile slip onto his face. That definitely explained how the kids just gathered around her.   
“The thing is… he was always travelling for work. We had a choice early on. We could uproot every few months to be near him, or stay in the same place and he would come back between contracts.” A forlorn smile drifted onto her face. Kaidan wondered just what memory she was reliving.   
“It wasn’t too bad in the beginning. He was always close. When Esperanza started elementary school, he started coming home less. She would shine like a star when he came home. She’d be so excited when he called to say he was coming home. He was in demand, and we needed the money.” Her smile fell, her gaze dropping to her hands. “He always took care of us, and there wasn’t much of a problem until Shepard was ten. He stopped coming home when he said he was. His calls were more about how he’d be running late and cancelling days he’d be coming home.”   
   
It felt like she had just dropped a brick onto his chest. He remembered calling more than once to cancel a date last minute. Shepard’s mom kept talking.   
“She was old enough then to ask why, why isn’t he coming home? I could never give a good answer.” She let out a dry laugh. “Deadlines were missed; the next project was starting early…” Her finger traced the blanket pattern.   
“Is that why he isn’t here?” Kaidan asked quietly.   
She shook her head. “The reason he isn’t here, is the same reason I am. My last surgery is coming up now, just so that I might be able to walk again. He wasn’t so lucky.”   
Kaidan felt his eyes water slightly at her expression, especially as her eyes drew up to meet his.   
“We were going to Esperanza’s graduation. He hadn’t seen her for five years.”   
Kaidan swallowed hard.   
   
She smiled at him, wiping away one of her tears. She took in a shaky breath. “I know it was a mutual breakup, but after seeing you both… I’m not sure if it really was.” She looked back out the window. “Just try to make sure you have no regrets. Now, how can I stop Esperanza from killing some of these when I go home?” It took Kaidan a little while to unstick his throat to observe her plants. She had certainly given him something to think about.


	8. Month 4/5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Falling apart

  _Month 4 Day 20_    
   
Shepard was disappointed and more than a little uncomfortable. It was the first time she was left waiting for Kaidan at his work. She had been looking forward to meeting Joker and his, supposedly, amazing humour instead of his usual flurry of ‘I’m busy’. Instead, she was getting glowers from some of the staff, especially the current receptionist. It might have helped if she had changed right after work, but she didn’t expect to wait so long. At least the kids were more curious than wary. She was counting down until one of them asked her about her uniform.  
   
“Who are you?” A little girl finally asked. Her mother frowned and tried to pull her back to her seat. Shepard smiled and met the mother’s eyes with a small shake of her head and crouched down to the girl’s eye level.   
“My name’s Shepard.” That seemed to throw the little girl for a loop. Shepard expected the next question to be something about her work, but instead the girl asked something else.   
“Like herding sheep?”   
“Almost, it’s with an ‘a’ instead of the ‘e’.” Shepard nodded. “But it sounds the same doesn’t it?”   
The girl nodded, hugging a stuffed animal to her chest. “Are you sick too? Mom says this is a special area for kids.”   
Shepard nodded. “It is a special area for the kids. I’m waiting for someone that works here. He’s running late.”   
“That’s not very nice,” the girl noted. “Mom says we should try to be on time, so that we don’t waste other people’s time.”   
   
“Are you Dr. Alenko’ssss girlfriend?” Another girl interrupted, hopping off her chair to approach, her arms crossed.   
Shepard hesitated for a moment and nodded. This girl seemed like she was just looking for trouble. Shepard was a little surprised that Kaidan talked about her with his patients.   
The new girl scowled. “He’sss not a bad person.”   
Shepard nodded. “That’s why I’m waiting for him. I know he’s very busy.”   
“Well Seeee,” the new girl frowned. “Seeeeep.”   
“Really?” the first girl raised an eyebrow. “It’s not a _hard_ name.”   
“Words are always hard,” Shepard broke in, she wasn’t going to watch the two get into a fight. “Some of them take a lot of practice. It took me a long time to say my name. My mother would always call me Little Hope until I managed it.”   
“Why?” the second girl asked, her arms   
“My first name is Esperanza.” Both girls frowned, mouthing it quietly to themselves. “I know,” Shepard added. “It’s a huge mouthful isn’t it?”   
“So you called yourself Hope?” The second girl asked.   
“Yup, you can call me that for now too. You can practice on your own until we meet again.”   
The girls glanced up, which was all the warning Shepard had before a hand landed on her shoulder. She blamed her instincts for grabbing the hand tightly before she glanced at her assailant.   
Shepard smiled sheepishly at Kaidan and let his hand go. “Sorry.”   
“Sorry, I should have said something before touching you,” Kaidan looked guilty and tired. “I’m going to be running late.” An odd feeling settled in Shepard’s stomach, but she didn’t have time to analyse it.   
“Why did you grab him like that?” The first girl asked.   
“It’s not nice,” the second agreed.   
Kaidan kneeled to join her with the kids. He looked different when he was with the kids, almost serene.   
“No, it’s not,” he agreed. “But Shepard has a special job too, so she learned to react like that when she doesn’t see who it is.”   
“It stops bad guys from getting the advantage,” Shepard added.   
Their eyes went wide. “You fight bad guys?”   
“Yup, I work at the police station down the street.”   
The girls looked at each other, then back at her. Shepard didn’t expect the sudden crowding when they came super close to her.   
“Do you have a gun?” one asked.   
“Have you shot anyone?” the other asked.   
“Do you have a partner?”   
“Have you—”   
   
“Girls,” Kaidan broke in. “Myrna, you’re worrying your mom by moving around too much. You’ll tear your stitches.” The second girl pouted. Kaidan wasn’t done yet. “Liliana, I’ll show you and your mother to a room in a moment okay. We’ll see how that ankle’s doing. You should get Tuffles ready too, right?” The first girl hugged her stuffy tightly.   
“Okay,” she agreed meekly.   
“I’ll be by again, girls.” Shepard smiled. “Think up all your questions and we’ll talk more another day, okay?” she leaned forward. “Maybe I can get some more of Dr. Alenko’s stickers for you.”   
   
Kaidan had a strange look in her eyes when she stood back up. He tilted his head in a direction and she followed him out of the girls’ hearing.   
“We had an influx of patients,” he murmured. “Three doctors called out sick. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to leave.” He was caressing her wrist lightly. “You have—”   
“The keys? Yeah.” She grasped his hand lightly. “I’ll make you some dinner.”   
“Shep—” he frowned.   
She pressed a finger to his lips. “You’re working hard. Just don’t work _too_ hard, okay? Keep in touch.”   
He let out a sigh of relief. “You are a miracle.”   
Shepard rolled her eyes. “Save it for when you get home. Drink your coffee. You look about thirty seconds from a migraine.”   
His gave a wan smile as he nodded and turned away from her.   
He gestured to Liliana. Her mother picked her and Tuffles up; Shepard waved to both groups of girls before leaving. Hopefully, Kaidan would be done soon.   
   
Kaidan was beyond late at this point. Shepard sighed as she covered his plate. She could have taken Ashley’s graveyard shift and possibly gotten home before him. She was tired, but it would be nice to at least see her boyfriend when he came home. Shepard frowned. It felt rude to go to sleep without him when she stayed at his place.   
   
She glanced at her phone. At the very least he could have texted her. She tapped her phone, her fingers hovered until she remembered Kelly’s piercing gaze and plain disapproval. Shepard let out a sigh and sat down on the couch. She stared at Kaidan’s bookcase. It was a good opportunity to catch up on some reading while she waited. Kaidan had offered a few recommendations, especially when he saw her piddly collection of books.   
   
She expected that she could get through a few chapters of something before he came home. Shepard nodded to herself and planned. She would make herself comfortable while she waited for him. Shepard dug up a light blanket, a cup of tea, and a book light before she settled in to start the first book.   
   
Her eyes snapped open at the sound of the lock. Every part of her body tensed, taking in the strange, dark area until she remembered that she had been reading on Kaidan’s couch. The door closed quietly behind Kaidan and she heard a light sigh. He didn’t turn on any lights and she heard him taking off his shoes.   
   
His feet padded quietly towards her and paused. Shepard barely had a moment to think if she should say something before the sound moved away and she the bedroom door closed. She closed her eyes again, the sick feeling in her stomach churned. He hadn’t woken her, or even try to kiss her goodnight. She pulled the blanket further up and tried to bury her thoughts in sleep. She would talk to him about it later.   
   
 _Month 5 Day 24_    
   
Kaidan was going to lose his mind. He hadn’t seen Shepard for almost a month now, and it precisely lined up with his time off was. Miranda had taken pity on him for all the overtime and given him a full week off and he had booked a week after that for vacation. Two weeks he had planned to spend with Shepard, except that she was nowhere to be found. He had called, texted, and was hitting new levels of desperation.   
   
Kaidan stood outside her workplace, waiting at her home just felt too… invasive when she seemed to be avoiding him. He had walked her to the front door of the station several times, but never gone in. It felt odd, given the number of times that she had visited his own place, even his office. He shook his head and took in a deep breath. Surely, if something happened to Shepard someone here would know. At least he knew the names of some of her coworkers. Gathering his resolve, he pushed open the door.   
   
The station was a lot quieter than he imagined. Kaidan glanced around, slightly nervous. He caught sight of her roommate, Ashley if he remembered correctly. He waved at her, his heart sinking slightly when she approached with a scowl.   
“What do you want?” she asked crisply. Her eyes were just as piercing as Shepard’s, but where Shepard’s gaze stripped him down layer by layer, Ashley ripped them all off at once.   
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Is Shepard okay?”   
Ashley scowled.   
“I’ve called,” he defended. “Texted once every three days, to a week apart. I haven’t heard from her, and she hasn’t been by the coffee shop.” He resisted the urge to fidget.   
“If she didn’t tell you, what makes you think I should?” Ashley’s eyes narrowed.   
Kaidan sighed and dropped his gaze. “I just… I was hoping to see her, make sure she’s okay.” His mind was going through thousands of reasons she wasn’t answering his phone. Some were innocent and irritating, and other were downright terrifying.   
“I just… I thought she might be here,” he finished lamely.   
   
Ashley sighed and leaned on the front desk. “I’ll be frank with you, Alenko. You pissed her off. She hasn’t _said_ it, but it explains how she’s been acting. I can’t tell you where she is, only that she’s working.” She glanced at him. “I’m only telling you that because it looks like you’re running through every possibility for why she hasn’t answered you, and I’m not that cruel.”   
   
Kaidan let out a breath. It was a relief to know that she was okay, but now he wished she at least told him something.   
“She’s okay then?”   
Ashley shrugged. “I can’t say. Work is work you know?”   
Kaidan felt his mouth twist slightly, but he dipped his head slightly. “Thank you for the information then, Ashley. Hopefully, I’ll sleep a little easier tonight.”   
He could feel her gaze on him as he walked away.   
“Beginning of the month,” she called. “Come back then. I’ll make sure she’s here.”   
He gave a small wave to acknowledge he’d heard. There was an odd heaviness to his heart now though. He needed advice, and unfortunately he could only think of one person to talk to.   
   
“Get out,” Joker ordered the moment he saw him. “Go be with Shepard.”   
Kaidan spread his arms hopelessly. “I would, if I knew where she was.”   
Joker frowned, raising a finger as he answered the phone. Immediately after hanging up he put down the headset. “Oi, Kelly! I’m going for lunch!”   
Kelly rolled her eyes, but pulled over her chair to sit at the desk.   
Joker wheeled over to him. “Tali’s in the cafeteria already, you can let it spill then.”   
Kaidan winced at his friend’s tone. He suspected that this wouldn’t be a very pleasant conversation.   
   
He was proven right when Tali let out her usual strangled noise, saved only for when she was avoiding swearing at work.   
“So wait, she just… disappeared for a month?” Joker was astounded. “What did you do?”   
Kaidan frowned. “What do you mean?”   
“People don’t act like that to other people they care about,” Tali commented. “Unless they’re beyond rude, or abusive.”   
Joker nodded. “Unless you haven’t been telling us something.” He frowned. “You still need to bring her by when we aren’t busy by the way.”   
Kaidan shrugged. “Not my fault you weren’t working when she was here.”   
“It’ll be your fault if she doesn’t come back,” he shot back.   
“Joker!” Tali admonished.   
Joker shrunk down. “Sorry man.”   
Kaidan shook his head and turned his coffee cup around in his hands. “Maybe you’re right,” he admitted.   
   
Joker and Tali glanced at each other before looking back at him.   
“If she just disappears like that though… I know what she does; wouldn’t it make sense to worry about her? Does she even care about me then? Even if she is mad at me.” He ran a hand through his hair. It seemed almost like the right train of thought.   
Tali rested her hand on his for a moment. “Kaidan… you need to talk to her.”   
“I can’t,” Kaidan let out a frustrated sound. “I’ve _tried_. The best I got is that I might be able to see her at the beginning of the month. I spent the better part of _this_ month worrying about her.”   
“Yeah, pretty sure that’s half the reason Miranda forced you to take time off.” Joker sipped at his drink.   
Tali nodded. “Kelly mentioned about that night you worked late too… Wait.” She leaned forward. “Did you tell Shepard about that?”   
   
Kaidan glanced between the two of them. “Of course. She was sleeping on the couch when I got back. I didn’t want to wake her up, so I just went to bed.”   
Tali let out a groan and put her head in her hands. “Did you at least make her breakfast?”   
Kaidan shifted uncomfortably. “She left before I got up. She left a bit of a scathing note.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I wanted to cool down a little after reading it so I didn’t contact her while I worked. I asked Kelly to call and give her an update, but I guess she ignored my request.”   
“Your usual—”   
“Yes, I left at my usual time, Joker. She does have early shifts occasionally.”   
“I think she’s mad at you, but doesn’t know how to talk about it,” Tali admitted. “Have you tried talking to her?”   
   
Kaidan let out a frustrated sound. He knew that he hadn’t been the best boyfriend lately. He planned to make it up to her, but _how_ could he do that when he couldn’t reach her?   
“I can’t do this,” he whispered. The moment he said it, his heart cleared. He really couldn’t do it. He couldn’t carry on a relationship when his partner wouldn’t at least talk to him when something was bothering her.   
He sat up straight. “I don’t think it’s working between us.”   
Joker frowned and looked at Tali. “I… I don’t think that’s it, Kaidan… but it’s your call in the end.”   
Kaidan nodded. It was, and it was time he got back in control of his life.


	9. Month 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit.

  _Month 11 Day 26_    
   
Shepard sighed. She really hated being cold, but she hated the crap that spewed out of people’s mouths on New Year’s Eve even more. It was another string of bad luck that she had drawn one of the short straws to work the shift right after midnight. Ashley would be covering for her after that point.   
   
At least she didn’t have to cover it on her own. Wrex joined in quickly when she drew the straw and Garrus opted to be her partner for the night. It was sad that they were getting to the point where every vehicle smelt like alcohol so that every driver needed to be tested. For the most part, they were fine to drive. There were others that had some hefty fines and a cab waiting for them. There was even one idiot that tried to run the blockade.   
   
Shepard smiled. She bet that he wouldn’t do that again with Wrex chasing him down. It was almost sad. Wrex had radioed them not even thirty seconds after the bugger ran to let them know he caught the guy.   
   
“Hey,” Ashley greeted.   
Shepard waved another car through before turning to look with a slight frown. “It can’t be your shift yet.”   
Ashley shrugged. “I’m a little early, thought I’d give you some company at least. Happy New Year.”   
Shepard appreciated it and returned the greeting before turning back to the next car. She mouthed off the usual questions. It was surprising to have even the one car so close to midnight that had no scent of alcohol in it.   
   
“Just for company?”   
“Mmm,” Ashley stretched, staring up at the sky. Shepard thrust away a familiar memory of stargazing. She didn’t want to think about him, not tonight.   
“How are you dealing?” Ashley turned to look at her.   
“With drunkards? Patience.”   
“Your mom told me to give you a month or two. I let you study and clean for the one month, so this is me asking you now. How are you?”   
   
Shepard felt her heart plummet and she sighed. “I still miss him.”   
“So give him a call!” Ashley insisted.   
Shepard winced. “I lost his number.” She deleted it after they broke up to prevent herself from caving in.   
Ashley scowled, ignoring the car Shepard was dealing with. “He works _two blocks away_.”   
“It was a _mutual breakup_ ,” Shepard snapped. “He hasn’t contacted me either. What am I supposed to do? Just hope _fate_ works out?”   
   
She turned to face the next car. She hated that she still missed him so much. She missed how he would hold her, how he would look at her… Almost like that. She blinked, taking in the face in front of her as the scent of alcohol washed over her.   
“Fuck,” she exhaled.   
Ashley turned to look, suddenly becoming domineering cop and Shepard imagined that her eyes went wide as well when she saw the driver.   
“Holy crap,” Ashley breathed.   
   
Then the car was gone. Shepard blinked and started swearing.   
Ashley shoved her to the side. “Go! Talk to Wrex!”   
“But,” Shepard complained. Her shift wasn’t over yet.   
“Who gives a fuck about the time! Go get him!” Ashley quirked a smile. “Be his cop in shiny armor. Let fate do the rest.”   
Shepard let out a laugh and ran along the road, where Kaidan had been pulled over by Wrex already. She pressed a button on her radio. “Hey Wrex, can you let me have this one?”   
“What? But then how am I going to have fun? The last one just keeled over from seeing me at the window.”   
Shepard bit her lip, before she decided to tell him. “It’s Kaidan, Wrex.”   
“Oh. Well, if he runs again he’s mine, got it?”   
“Roger that.”   
   
Shepard passed Wrex’s car, giving him a little wave. She took in a deep breath as she approached Kaidan’s car, knocking lightly on the window. She saw his jaw clench as he rolled it down, his eyes glancing at her then back away. His hands were off the wheel; at least he wasn’t about to run away again.   
“Hey Kaidan.” She kept her voice soft, almost conciliatory. She wasn’t really sure what to say beyond that. Although, first she should probably make sure that he was okay and do her job properly.   
“Not your brightest moment was it?” she continued.   
He slumped slightly.   
“Can I do my job?” she asked.   
His jaw clenched.   
She frowned. “How much have you had to drink?”   
He glanced at her, then back away.   
Shepard felt her eye twitch slightly. “Kaidan, you’re my last car for the night, courtesy of Ashley. Please don’t make me deal with this teenager bullshit. How much did you drink? I need to know if I can let you go, or if you shouldn’t even be behind that wheel right now.”   
Kaidan closed his eyes and rested his head on the steering wheel. She almost missed his quiet answer.   
“Too much.” He turned to look at her, his brown eyes almost pleading. “I couldn’t stay there, Shepard. I just… I couldn’t.” His voice cracked. “I couldn’t even wait for a cab. I had to get out of there.”   
   
He was borderline hysterics. Shepard frowned and glanced back at Ashley, then over at Wrex. Ashley would kill her if she didn’t at least try to talk to Kaidan, and she couldn’t let him drive home.   
“Move over,” she ordered. “I’ll drive you home.”   
Wrex’s voice crackled back over her radio. “Status?”   
“I’m going to drive him home, Wrex. He was leaving a toxic environment.” At least that was the way she was reading it.   
“If you say so,” Wrex snorted. Shepard frowned. It wasn’t like Wrex to keep things from her, and he definitely was hiding something.   
   
Kaidan frowned at her. “You live on the other side of the city,” he pointed out.   
“So? Buses are running late today and they’re free.”   
Kaidan shook his head, his eyes hardening slightly. “You aren’t bussing home,” he insisted. “It’s too far.”   
Shepard rolled her eyes. “Well I’m not letting you drive home drunk.”   
“Stay with me? I’ll stay on the couch. I mean.” Kaidan flushed red and raised his hand to the back of his neck. Shepard felt her heart flutter. She forgot just how adorable he was when he stammered.   
“How about you scoot over and we’ll argue about it while I drive you home,” she suggested.   
   
Kaidan sighed and undid his seatbelt, shifting over the passenger side and wincing slightly as his head banged against the ceiling. She glanced at him; she’d have to make sure that he didn’t develop a migraine as well. It meant that she should probably take him up on his offer to stay the night. Except there was no way she was going to make him sleep on the couch.   
“I owe you breakfast,” Kaidan muttered when she buckled her seatbelt.   
“Your couch is enough,” Shepard shot back. Her insides squirmed when Kaidan looked at her. She forgot how intense his eyes could be.   
“Breakfast is at least the cost of the ticket I would have gotten,” Kaidan argued.   
   
Shepard frowned, turning off her radio when she heard it crackle. How did she always forget about that? She thought she heard him mumble something about her clothes, but didn’t quite catch it.   
“We can argue about it later. Do you live at the same place?” She restarted the car.   
Kaidan let out a bitter laugh. “Same place, same everything.”   
   
Shepard glanced at him as she pulled out into traffic. She wondered what happened to him. She mostly remembered Kaidan’s smiles, or the occasional sadness that touched his eyes when work was bad. Bitterness was something new to her.   
“Really?”   
“You always see everything,” he muttered. His eyes slipped closed and his breathing started to smooth out. Shepard glanced at him quickly before looking back at the road. There had been a small furrow between his brows she was certain wasn’t there before.   
   
   
The drive continued in some silence. Shepard thought that Kaidan fell asleep until he asked a question she didn’t expect.   
“Shepard, why did we break up again?”   
She clenched the wheel tighter, and forced herself to loosen up. “Work I think.”   
“Work sucks,” Kaidan grumbled.   
Shepard frowned, he loved those kids. “You don’t mean that.”   
   
“I do,” he insisted.   
“You’re drunk, Kaidan.”   
“So?” Kaidan frowned. “The kids started asking about you. My old _friends_ started asking about you.”   
   
Shepard’s heart clenched. She had been able to avoid Kaidan at work, but he didn’t have that luxury when she had met some of his long term cases. She took in a deep breath as she pulled into Kaidan’s reserved spot.   
“Do you think…” Kaidan trailed off before looking out the window. “Nevermind.”   
“Tell you what,” Shepard suggested. Her heart thudded against her chest. “If you remember any of this in the morning, we’ll talk about it.”   
   
Kaidan’s eyes seemed so… tired and melancholy when he stared at her.   
“Promise?” he whispered.   
She nodded. Her heart leapt into her throat as he smiled.   
“Then shall we adventure up to my condo, oh hero of mine?”   
Shepard laughed; it felt like it had been ages since she last laughed. Perhaps they could make this work after all, but that was a matter for the morning.   
   
 _Month 11 Day 27_    
   
Kaidan let out a muffled groan when the sun hit his eyes. He could feel that it was going to be a spectacularly shitty day. Although at least a quarter of them felt like that when the thought of Shepard didn’t want to leave. His head was letting off an almost rhythmic throb that was all too familiar. He rolled over, not entirely willing to face the reality of having to get up to get his medication.   
   
He knew he drank too much last night. He even dreamt that he brought Shepard home. He frowned as he counted how many drinks he had. If he was remembering correctly, he should be feeling worse than he was. He definitely didn’t have enough presence of mind to take his preventative medication when he came home.   
   
He cracked open an eye, surprised to see a glass full of water on it. He opened his other eye and half sat up. The small pile of Shepard’s things was gone from the corner of his room now as well. He frowned and rubbed his temples. There was definitely something he was forgetting from last night.   
   
He remembered going to Joker’s cottage, that there were several people there he didn’t know. There had been plenty that knew him though, and not always in the professional sense. He shuddered, pushing the memories away. He kept drinking, just to avoid the disruptive crowd. He vaguely remembered Joker saying something, as well as Tali. He should let them know that he was alright. Kaidan winced slightly as he pulled out his phone. A dot would suffice, right? He hit the first name he saw and typed in a character before putting his phone back on the nightstand.   
   
He groaned and stood up to make some coffee. He had decided to leave the party, he remembered. He hadn’t been thinking and was stopped by…   
“Shepard?” He stared at her, her shoes just barely on.   
Shepard tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, her gaze dropping. “Sorry. I… thought it might be better if you woke up and I wasn’t here.”   
   
He opened and closed his mouth. Joker was screaming in his head to not fuck this up. Not again.   
“Wait.” Hazy memories surfaced. “I still owe you breakfast don’t I?”   
   
His heart plummeted when her face fell, and her eyes darted to a corner. “I was thinking that you might not want to wake up with me here. You don’t owe me for anything.”   
Kaidan frowned. “No, if anything I think I owe you for the fact I woke up without a migraine. Or did that half glass of water magically appear?”   
   
Shepard scowled. “I’m not heartless.”   
“Just breakfast,” he wheedled, his head pounded. “We can talk about it over breakfast.” He would be able to manage that much.   
“Not at the coffee shop,” Shepard relented.   
Kaidan didn’t want to even consider that. James wouldn’t let either of them hear the end of it.   
“I was thinking the diner near your place,” he suggested.   
A small smile flickered over Shepard’s face and she dipped her head.   
“You have a deal, Alenko. I’m driving there.”   
Kaidan opened his mouth to protest, but Shepard raised a hand. “They’ll be checking for drinking within the last eight hours. I don’t think you want to answer that.”   
   
Kaidan sighed. She did have a point, and he did feel guilty that she broke rules to bring him home safely. Shepard’s eyes darted to his bedroom. “Are you going to get changed?”   
He felt his face heat. He was still in his clothes from last night thankfully, but he was now extremely aware of how ragged he must look.   
Shepard grinned and leaned back against the wall. “Don’t worry, I won’t disappear.”   
Kaidan mumbled something and darted back into his room. His phone began ringing at the same time. He cursed, one hand going to his dresser and the other stretching to grab his phone.   
“Good morning Joker.” He answered, swiping to answer and pressing speaker.   
 _“Oh good, you’re alive,”_ Joker sighed. _“I told Tali to leave it alone. How bad’s the head? Need us to come over?”_    
“He’ll be fine,” Shepard called over.   
Kaidan relished in the moment of silence. He supposed that Shepard couldn’t resist teasing Joker back.   
 _“You are telling me what happened later.”_    
Kaidan rolled his eyes as he pulled on a shirt. “We’ll see.”   
 _“Yeah, yeah. Go get her back.”_ Joker’s voice dropped for the last phrase. Kaidan sighed and finished changing as the dial tone buzzed through the room. He pocketed his phone and spent a few moments trying to remember what he did with his wallet. It would look extremely stupid and careless of him to offer to pay for breakfast and then forget his wallet.   
“Shepard?” he called.   
“Wallet and keys are on the kitchen counter.”   
He could hear the amusement in her voice. He huffed and went out, grabbing the items on the counter, feeling slightly embarrassed.   
Shepard shrugged, looking over his appearance. He felt a familiar warmth flow through him at her gaze.   
“I needed them to get in.”   
“Thanks,” he murmured. He slipped on his shoes and got up. He was taken aback by Shepard’s continued gaze.   
   
“You look different, all casual.”   
Kaidan frowned. “You’ve seen me casual before.”   
“No,” Shepard shook her head. “I’ve seen you casual and sick before. You look…” her face scrunched. “Well to be honest you do look like you’ve seen better days, but you look good.”   
   
Kaidan wasn’t quite sure how to take that, but he found himself heartened by her glances at him while he got his own shoes on. He thought he could feel a blush creeping up the back of his neck, but he wasn’t sure. He frowned when he didn’t see his car keys in their regular place. A glance at Shepard showed her dangling them from her fingers.   
“I was serious.”   
   
Kaidan sighed and opened the door, waving her out with a little flourish. “What would I do without you?” They both froze for a moment. Kaidan cursed his tongue. “Sorry.”   
“No, that’s what we’re going to talk about, isn’t it? Only after I’ve been fed though.” Shepard frowned. “You need to tell me what you did to that mocha too.”   
Kaidan laughed, following her to the elevator. “You liked it?”   
A tinge of pink touched Shepard’s cheeks and he felt warm inside. Perhaps he should listen to her mother and something could be salvaged.   
“I finished it, didn’t I?” she muttered, folding her arms.   
   
Kaidan shrugged. “It could have been the awkwardness of the moment.”   
“Speaking of awkward.” Shepard glanced back at him, tugging at her sweater. He glanced away, he hoped that she might not want to talk about that.   
“Why were my sweater and toothbrush in your room? And _why_ does my sweater smell like you?”   
He rubbed the back of his neck. “I… meant to put a box together to take back to you. Things that were left here and all. It just got harder and harder to bring it back.” He glanced at her. Then he had started wearing her sweater when he missed her, but he wasn’t going to tell her that now.   
Shepard pursed her lips. “The rest of that is for the diner isn’t it?”   
“That’s what we said,” he spread his arms helplessly.   
   
“Well Kaidan. Since we’re stuck waiting for this elevator, how about you tell me? But once it gets here, our mouths are shut.”   
“I miss you.” The words from his mouth fell naturally. “The kids miss you. I—” the door pinged and his heart fell through his stomach.   
Shepard glanced at him and walked in, holding the door for him.   
He shuffled in, feeling like he was in that awkward love stage again. There he went, ruining the moment.   
   
He was sure of that, until Shepard’s hand brushed lightly against his. He glanced at her, the chestnut irises boring into him.   
“I missed you too,” she murmured as the doors closed. The air was thick between the two of them in the car, broken only once by both of them asking about work and trailing into silence.   
It was the smell of waffles that broke the air between them.   
   
Kaidan took in a deep breath. He loved diners, just for the smell of coffee and breakfast.   
“Shepard!” Samantha waved them over, only one eyebrow arched before they sat down. “Usual for you both?”   
“Yes,” they chorused. Samantha smiled slightly before darting off, leaving them alone. They had a booth hidden in the corner, and Kaidan had to wonder just who would hear about this in the next half hour.   
   
Shepard kicked him lightly. “Stop worrying,” she ordered.   
Kaidan rolled his eyes, but smiled. He gave Samantha a small nod when she dropped off two pots of coffee and tea.   
“I talked to your mom,” he admitted. “Well.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “She practically strong-armed me to talk to her.”   
“What?” Shepard’s eyes widened. “When?”   
“A month or two ago?”   
Shepard closed her eyes and Kaidan felt his pulse quicken.   
“She… wanted something to be clear to me I guess,” he muttered, staring down at his coffee. “Mostly that… I fucked up.”   
   
It was easy to talk to his coffee rather than looking up at Shepard to say this.   
“I wasn’t there when I said I’d be, I didn’t call or let you know that an emergency came up and I cancelled last minute more than once.”   
“Kaidan,” Shepard broke in. “That wasn’t why.”   
He looked up, confused.   
“It was a large part of it,” she admitted. “I stayed up for you. I was awake when you came in and you just… went to bed.”   
“You had work in the morning,” he pointed out. “I didn’t want to disturb you.” He had certainly thought about it.   
   
She leaned back in her seat. “You just carried on like it meant nothing to you.”   
Kaidan stared at his coffee again. “I’m sorry,” he admitted. “If… if this is something we want to pursue though, I want you to tell me when I do something like that. Let me try to fix it instead of jumping to a conclusion.”   
“My turn then I guess.” Shepard stared at him. “Ashley told me you came looking for me before our break up.”   
He nodded. “You weren’t talking to me.” He knew _something_ was wrong, but he couldn’t try to fix things if he didn’t know what was wrong. “I tried everything to get a hold of you… I…” He swallowed. “I was terrified Shepard. No one would tell me where you were.”   
“They couldn’t,” she shrugged. “I was called onto a sensitive case as a grunt.” Her glance fell. “I guess… in the future I would at least try to let you know when you can’t talk to me. I’m sorry, it was sudden and I was still mad at you.”   
   
“Where do we stand then?” Kaidan felt the question burning a hole through him as he raised his gaze.   
Shepard looked just as confused as he felt.   
“I think… we should spend some time apart to decide what we want, and what would have to change.” She bit her lip. “We both made mistakes.”   
“We’d have to talk to each other more,” he noted.   
Shepard laughed. “A little hard when we both work too hard.”   
“Four days?” he offered. “Four days at the coffee shop?”   
“My shift starts at noon,” Shepard glanced at him.   
Kaidan smiled. It felt like forever since their timings lined up. “Me too.”   
“Four days then,” Shepard agreed, just as Samantha brought their food.   
   
Kaidan could only hope for the best now.


	10. Month 11/12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions and action

  _Month 11 Day 29_    
“Come on! You have to tell me!” Ashley wheedled.   
Shepard had enjoyed the few days without her roommate meddling. Her mother didn’t know she had met Kaidan, so she didn’t have to deal with the questions when she got home. Now though, Ashley was back from her brief holiday.   
   
“We’re taking our time to decide!”   
“Bullshit! You can’t tell me you weren’t happy!” Ashley argued.   
Shepard could _feel_ her mother’s stare, her curiosity burning a hole through her.   
“A little, but that morning was _awkward_ , Ash. I just wanted to slip away.”   
“You didn’t though, did you?” Ashley advanced.   
Shepard found herself giving ground. “He woke up just before I left.”   
   
“You saw Dr. Alenko?” Her mother interjected.   
Ashley turned, giving Shepard the opportunity to slip away. She was stopped when Ashley grabbed her wrist, her gaze still towards Shepard’s mother.   
“She pulled him over on New Year’s. Blasted to high hell, took him home.” Ashley glanced at her, causing Shepard to roll her eyes.   
“I drove him home. He didn’t want me to bus home and _insisted_ I stay over.”   
“ _Right._ ” Ashley rolled her eyes. “Just how much did you resist that?”   
Not much, Shepard had to admit. But the morning reminded her just about why it was such a stupid idea.   
   
“Esperanza, how was his place?”   
Shepard frowned. “A bit untidy I guess.” It was odd for Kaidan, he had apologised for the mess when his place was more pristine than hers. She still found it odd that he hadn’t commented on her cleanliness when he came to visit.   
“When are you seeing him again?” her mother asked.   
Shepard’s mouth dropped slightly. She never knew how her mother managed to always read her mind like that.   
Ashley looked between the two of them. “Wait. What did I miss?”   
Her mother looked at Ashley, a small smile crossing her face. “Ashley, have you ever known Shepard to jump into a situation before scoping it out?”   
Ashley frowned. “No…”   
“So, wouldn’t it stand to reason that they discuss possibilities and then think about it? From what I’ve seen of Dr. Alenko, he doesn’t seem like the sort to jump to conclusions either.”   
That reminded Shepard about something.   
“What were you talking to him about? He said he met with you.”   
Her mother shrugged slightly, her gaze going back to her crocheting for a moment. “Mostly your father.”   
   
That confused her even more. Kaidan seemed like he had an earthshattering moment talking to her mother, but she didn’t see how talking about her father would change any of that.   
“Don’t change the topic,” her mother admonished. “When are you seeing him again?”   
“Two days,” Shepard muttered. The more she thought about it, the more confused she got. They had talked about their issues, but was that really everything that had been wrong?   
   
“Wait, that long?” Ashley stared.   
Shepard yanked her wrist out of her hold and crossed her arms. “That isn’t long. What was I even thinking?”   
“You weren’t. That’s how love is,” her mother answered.   
Shepard was starting to think that the two of them were trying to sandwich her into a decision. Ashley hadn’t stopped glaring at her yet.   
   
“Know what?” Ashley stomped off. Shepard watched her go, even more confused.   
“Your father and I had those issues too you know.” Her mother glanced up at her. “Communication. There’s nothing wrong with setting rules for a relationship. You might feel better having it in the open.”   
Shepard sighed. She had a point, but there was still just some part of her that was undecided.   
   
Then there was a blinding pain in the back of her head.   
“Ow! What the hell, Ash?”   
Ashley stomped over, falling into the couch, still looking utterly irritated with her. “Look at that and tell me that you don’t want to be with him.”   
   
Shepard rubbed the back of her head and picked up the book. She stared as a sticker fell out. Her heart flopped, she recognised those.   
“Where did you…?”   
Ashley shrugged. “I saved it from your pile. Wish I could say it was completely my idea, but your mom suggested I save any of your relationship stuff in that pile too. It was a good thing I came home before you finished your walk.”   
“You’ve just had these in your room for months?” Shepard’s jaw dropped. “What if he had been abusive or something and—”   
“Stop spouting bullshit to avoid it,” Ashley leaned forward. “You wouldn’t want to forget him and a year or two down the road, if you had moved on you might regret it. That’s why I kept it. Besides,” she shrugged. “I’m pretty sure Wrex would have covered a month’s worth of coffee if I sold him the book.”   
   
Shepard didn’t know what was worse. That her _mother_ knew that this relationship was something she’d want to continue pursuing, or that she had collaborated with Ashley behind her back. She sat down on the floor, her hand running down the spine of the book. She was terrified of opening it again, of looking at the stickers and remembering every moment of their relationship. Her heart flopped a little. She knew the moments that wouldn’t be in there. The late nights, the worrying wouldn’t be in there. The book only had their good memories.   
   
Was it odd that she wanted to ask Kaidan for a sticker for their problems as well? She glanced up to see Ashley looking away to one side, but her mother smiling down at her fondly.   
“You should do what makes you happy, but staying away from him made you miserable,” she advised.   
   
Shepard glanced back at the book and let out a sigh. “Ash, have I really been that miserable?”   
She could _hear_ Ashley rolling her eyes. “No, I mean, you only failed a test you should have passed with flying colours because you were emotionally turbulent. You’ve smiled more in the last two days than the last six months. For cripes sake, he got you to appreciate _coffee._ ”   
“Not really,” Shepard argued. “A mocha is _not_ coffee.”   
Ashley waved a hand. “Details. Baby steps.”   
Shepard bit the inside of her lip. “Ash… I can’t… I can’t deal with…”   
Ashley leaned forward, dropping her irritation. “Look Shepard, I’ll help you iron out rules to discuss with him if you want, but I’m with your mom. You two are miserable alone.”   
Shepard frowned.   
Ashley shrugged. “I talk with that tech specialist, she and Joker have been doing fly-bys. It’s like watching you and Kaidan all over again.”   
Shepard laughed. “I guess I should figure my stuff out so we can help them, shouldn’t I?”   
Ashley leaned back with a smile. “Yeah, you should.”   
   
 _Month 12 Day 0_    
   
Kaidan felt exhausted, and his day hadn’t even started yet. He hated using sick days when he wasn’t actually sick, but it felt like he might have to. Actually, he had to wonder if Joker had done something already since Kaidan updated him about the Shepard situation. He’d had to deal with screeching joy of Tali, and Joker’s insufferable grin. He hadn’t trusted the information over the phone, so to their surprise he had driven back to the cottage.   
   
Part of it was that he wanted to see Joker’s face when he explained what happened. Joker reacted as expected, equal parts horror and awe. Then he had proceeded to get extremely contradictory advice between the two of them. It was still making his head hurt.   
   
Joker wanted him to apologise for being an ass, Tali wanted him to sweep her into his arms and just let her know she was loved. He supposed he should just ignore both sets of advice, and possibly just listen to the advice his dad had given him long ago. He let out a sigh.   
“I hope that wasn’t about me,” Shepard’s voice was both alarming and a soothing balm to him.   
Kaidan smiled slightly, and rubbed the back of his neck. “No, it was Joker and Tali.”   
“Right,” Shepard nodded. “I still haven’t met Tali really.”   
“What?” Kaidan frowned. “You must have.”   
Shepard sighed, and flopped down across from him. “Only in a busy work setting. She probably doesn’t come out much, does she?”   
Kaidan shook his head. “She’s pretty sensitive to her environment. It makes her a great nurse though, and she’s good at getting the kids to be aware of hygiene.”   
Shepard made a face. “That receptionist girl is so… stand-offish. I felt so weird waiting for you.”   
   
Kaidan felt his stomach sink. Kelly wasn’t the best at making people feel welcome, but her insights were indispensible. But leaving Shepard waiting, that was his fault.   
“The kids loved you though,” he muttered.   
Shepard grinned, leaning back in her chair. “Kids are easy, they’re more open. Adults are harder.”   
“Do you want to have kids?” He had no idea why the question came out of his mouth and he thought his face might explode. He thought he had gotten past this part of his relationship where his mouth moved before his brain.   
   
Shepard’s face was just as red.   
Kaidan cleared his throat. “Sorry, I don’t know—”   
“Do you?” Shepard broke in. Her gaze was downcast. Kaidan felt his throat get dry. Shepard let out a light laugh, her gaze dropping to the side. “Sorry, just…” her eyes went back up to his. “It seemed like something you’d been thinking about.” She shuffled and sat up straighter. “I think you have enough kids right now and well… I like them. I like _us_. I wanted you to know…” her gaze dropped again. “I don’t want you to pick me over them.”   
   
Kaidan had to grope around for the right words, before giving up and letting his heart talk for him for once, instead of his brain. He leaned forward, resting his hands on the table. “You know Shepard, Myrna was asking about you recently. I almost broke down right in front of her. I didn’t know how to tell her you might not be by again, not while I was around. Those kids spread the news of the cool doc and officer around like wildfire.” He smiled fondly at the memory. “Those kids are as much yours, as mine now.”   
“The cool officer?” Shepard raised her eyebrows.   
Kaidan raised his eyebrows in return. Shepard didn’t seem to have any idea of just how people normally treated those kids. He did what he could so their life could be normal, but regular hospital visits changed people.   
“Your mom, has she been different since the accident?”   
   
Shepard’s mouth twisted and she sat back. “Point.” Her voice was short.   
Kaidan felt he stepped over a line, but it was the easiest way to get the point across. “Adults… we can deal with that. It’s harder for the kids.” He tapped the table slightly.   
Shepard’s hand stopped him. “You were one of them weren’t you?”   
Kaidan shrugged, looking away. He glanced back, startled when Shepard kissed his cheek.   
“You’re a romantic, romantic man.” She sat back. “But… that’s not why we’re here is it?”   
   
It took Kaidan’s brain a while to work through the change of subject.   
He cleared his throat. “Right. Rules.” He was trying really hard to ignore James and Liara glancing their way almost regularly. “I was the one that dropped the ball first, so… what would you like if we got back together?”   
   
Shepard crossed her arms, and stared down. “One hour to a half hour.”   
Kaidan blinked, he wasn’t really sure what she meant by that.   
“You can only break a date an hour, to a half hour before we’re going out. Minimum of one unbreakable date a month.”   
   
Kaidan frowned slightly; there were some months that he was surprised that he was even able to eat. Shepard’s hand covered his, a small smile on her face.   
“Kaidan, our coffee dates are fine. I just need more notice than what you gave me.” She swallowed. “I… I want to try to make this work.”   
“Then don’t close me out.” He raised a hand when her brows furrowed. “We both deal with confidentiality. I don’t want you to break that. But I need something more than Ashley just telling me that I can’t talk to you and she doesn’t know when I can.” He rubbed his thumb over hers. “It scares me, not knowing if you’re okay, or if I’m going to come into work to find out you’re in the ICU.” He came to a spur of the moment decision. “I want you to retake the detective exam too.”   
   
Shepard frowned. “How did you…?”   
Kaidan shrugged. “Your mom ambushed me.”   
“She was bed-ridden!”   
Kaidan rolled his eyes. “She got _Wrex_ and one of the top surgeons to tell me to talk to her. She ambushed me, Shepard. I know you probably failed that test just because of what happened with us. Just tell them your boyfriend was an asshole.”   
   
Shepard scowled and crossed her arms. Kaidan hated to admit that he missed her warmth already. Joker was right; Shepard had ruined him in the best of ways.   
“Fine,” Shepard relented. “But, you’re getting me a mocha and a sticker to commemorate this…”   
A smile began to flicker onto his face. “It’s hard to think we met here a year ago.”   
Shepard sat back, her eyes unfocused for a moment. “It’s been a year,” she breathed. “Wow.”   
Kaidan smiled, heart fluttered and stopped for a moment when he recalled what she said. “Wait. Sticker?”   
   
Shepard flushed, her hands going around her knees. “Ashley… may have saved my sticker book from being tossed out. I want to keep adding to it.”   
“You… kept them all?” Kaidan’s eyes widened. He didn’t think that those stickers had been more than a passing fancy, something to remind her that he was thinking of her.   
Shepard blushed. “In a scrap book. With the date and event.”   
   
He had no clue what to say to that.   
Shepard glared at him. “So?”   
He felt a small laugh bubbling out of his chest. “Mocha then.”   
“I’ll take a raincheck on the sticker until you’re done your shift.”   
Kaidan reached for her hand, gently pressing it to his lips. He enjoyed the slight fluster to her face.   
“As you wish.” He stood up to join the line. James and Liara had almost ecstatic faces on now as they bustled around. For some reason, James was fishing money out of the tip jar. Things weren’t fixed yet, but they were on the mend. Right now, that was all he could ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you _so_ much for reading! This is the first fic I've completed now that has a relationship focus and some of those aspects.
> 
> It was fun watching google start giving me side ads for breakup forums while I did research for this fic.
> 
> A mega thanks out to Dahlia that busted her butt for art. Thanks also to my soundboards (I think there were three of you but I honestly forget now because it's been so long since this has been in the plans) and those that shared their own breakup experiences with me to help me with this fic.
> 
> Most of all. Thank you for reading.


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